


Sins of a Cruel Nature

by methuselahsattemptatlife



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: M/M, Romance, Romulans, Vulcans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-06 21:38:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11044848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/methuselahsattemptatlife/pseuds/methuselahsattemptatlife
Summary: A mixed race Vulcan struggles with the idea of loving a rouge.





	1. First of all, Iskadonik

There is nothing else on earth like a cold drink of water. Parched and hot, your tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth. You wrap your hand around a cold glass and touch it carefully to your lips. Then a drop, a sip, and a gulp of cold relief fills your mouth. It slides down your throat. You feel relaxed and in control of your needs, and the satisfaction that control brings is incomparable.

You are enjoying the perks of entitlement from a comfy seat in the hierarchy of society – as arguably the most highly evolved being on the planet. The apex of basic life. Your DNA gives a harmonious hum, because even though you might not remember, it remembers. It remembers life before the fridge and the tap. The darkness, the struggle… the thirst. Your DNA got all the way here from those dark ages. It made the long trip just for this. And you? You get to live the good life.

That feeling of control can find you pretty often if things go straight and narrow. Sometimes life can throw you for a loop, but if you’re in the right hands then it always straightens itself out eventually. Not for all of us. But if you can stand in your apartment and look out over the city in the dark, or sit on your front porch steps and count the stars without wondering where your next meal will come from or where your next bed will be, you can be sure that you live that life. Straight and narrow… safe.

Not all of us get to live that life. Somewhere out there, there’s somebody who’s got it tough. They are whom we progress for: a kid sleeping in the street, a victim of circumstance; a young girl swinging guns for a gang, thinking she finally fits in; a woman with barely anything to her name, wielding a knife against a stranger just trying to survive. Things don’t have to be that way for you and me, but for them it’s just life. That’s what I want to help change. Things like protection for the helpless, shelter for the homeless, help for the lost – these things are the basic needs we strive to get for ourselves and to give to one another.

We are not all humans. And we’re not all humanoid. But the only thing that matters is that we respect all the things we need and have in common. If we start from there, we can protect one another, lift each other up, share our success, and collectively learn from our failures. Together, we can move up in the universe.

That’s what I believe. It’s why I joined Starfleet in the first place. But so far it’s been difficult for me to say the least. Although I’m dedicated to the foundation of Starfleet I’m curious, unbridled, mixed, and I have a lot of conflicting natures. Starfleet cadets don’t normally stay unruly youths. I’m the outlier, unfortunately. Even after twenty and seven years I haven’t been able to find the placid nature that normally accompanies adulthood. Then again, most adults aren’t genetic mutts, with their DNA fused between three radically different races.

My name is Iskadonik Sari. My mother calls me Iska, but my tutor always called me Donny. I’m male and humanoid, but only 1/3 human. My grandmother was a Romulan and my grandfather was a Vulcan.

The Romulans had attacked a remote sector of Vulcan looking for supplies, and my grandfather was the sole survivor of the attack. They took him aboard to torture him both crash landing on a nearby planet. My grandmother was young at the time and serving on her first war ship. She was assigned to torture the prisoner. After days of grueling punishments, my grandfather’s wise and pacifist ways changed my grandmother’s mind. She realized that life didn’t have to be violent, and he was determined to show her how to live without violence.

They snuck off the ship at a supply run on the next planet, and there they lived all their lives. My mother was their only child. Although she had a rough nature, she wished very much to have a home planet filled with her kind, but she knew Romulus would reject her. So she chose to learn of the logic and peace of her father’s people and returned to Vulcan. There she met my father. He was a human, a rogue pilot taking temporary refuge in Vulcan’s capital city. He saw her in the bazaar, an open market flooded with Vulcans, and fell madly in love with her. When he told me this story he never ceased to invent new metaphors for describing how beautiful she was. Despite his true feelings my mother was mixed with a rejected race – she had plenty of trouble living among the Vulcans, and was very reluctant to do the same thing to another child.

But my father was insistent. He stayed on the planet, sold his ship, got a job, and joined a worldwide movement for acceptance. It helped that he was human. His touch in the movement improved conditions for all the non-Vulcans living on Vulcan, mother included, and she took notice. He never stopped trying to be with her. But still, she was afraid to be further ostracized. After many years of being pursued romantically, she grew tired of being afraid to live and finally allowed herself the luxury of having a family. I was born. Then my sister came four years later. Their happiness was great, but short lived. Mother loved me and my father greatly but the life didn’t suit her anymore. The movement wasn’t fast enough and my sister and I were a mix of three different races – she could see the rejection that I faced in society, and the scorn my sister was receiving before she could even walk. My mother wanted to take me and my sister away from that planet.

Father refused to leave. He was now the head of the equal rights movement, and he stood by his idea that the Vulcans could change. But for mother it wasn’t fast enough. She would not let her children grow up as she had; torn and alone. She left my father, forced to leave my younger sister Anara in a compromise with him, and took me on a ship to Earth when I was barely five.

I had a rocky start to life among the humans. My ears scared them and they didn’t want me in human school, but mother got a private human tutor for me – one who was friends with the Ambassadors wife, the one with the half-Vulcan son. My tutor was strict, unforgiving, and emotional, but she loved me. I learned rapidly. I exchanged digital messages with my sister through deep space; it took a long time, and she was very childish, so eventually I stopped replying to her messages. But I never lost contact with my father.

Then… when I was in Earth high school level in my studies, Vulcan was destroyed. Everything changed that day. For the first time, my inbox from Vulcan was gapingly empty. My father and sister were presumed dead along with 7 billion others. My grandparents died from shock. My blood somehow made me part of an endangered species. And although I had lost most of my family already, I was about to lose one more. Determined to help the Vulcans despite how they had treated her and her son my mother left me in the care of my tutor and went to assist the colonies of New Vulcan rebuild their race. I was eighteen years old.

I mourned for a year before I took the final exams for the local high school, and passed with flying colors. They tried to disqualify me by saying that my alien heritage gave me leverage. But my tutor, infuriated, took up arms against them. She gave testimony in court to all her years raising me alongside my mother and teaching me personally, and she told them that I was one of them. She was right. Although I had the adrenaline of a Romulan and the philosophy and emotions of a human, my Vulcan side was very much lacking. I could not control my emotions. My mind meld was pitiful. And the cool, placid intelligence of my people’s DNA had passed me over almost entirely. I was… normal. Human. Except for my ears, eyebrows, and my copper green blood, I was physically and mentally human.

This wasn’t the greatest thing in the world seeing as the Vulcans had all but been decimated, but hey, it was nature’s choice. Not mine. My tutor won the court case. I was given my amazing scores and at once I applied to Starfleet. I’d lived all my life on Earth. I’d learned about the suffering of people all over the galaxy, and about war, and I was ready to go and make a difference in the universe. It was time.

Despite my multiple offers from human colleges I was accepted into Starfleet, where I spent the next four years in turmoil. I was arguing with teachers, struggling to pass exams, and spending nights locked away in my room thrashing against my inner natures. Starfleet was no place for soft hearts. I’d been raised in a safe environment to ensure that I evaded bullying and societal rejection, but here there was no mother, and no tutor, and although I’d never had problems making friends the people there were already hardened by life. No one had shielded them. They were all about rules. Me? I was coddled, conflicted, and just like my father I was burning to make a difference.

It was a thousand times more difficult for me to conform as it was for them because they’d faced life’s troubles head on. I’d faced them from behind the skirts of my only family. But I accepted my entitled childhood and began to learn the ways of the world. I found a way to keep myself together. And against all odds, I graduated.

I matured greatly during my time at Starfleet, but even now I struggle with myself. In my maturity my more violent Romulan nature has taken hold of me. To control it, I’ve mastered several ancient forms of fighting and mental composure. I still have a great sense of humor. I still burn for change. But now I can face it head-on without the unbridled conflict of a child wreaking havoc on my heart. I’ve always known what I am, but now I know who I am.

Who am I, really? A spoiled space brat? A mutt? A bottom-class Starfleet graduate?

Maybe I’m all of those things. But more than any of that, I am a caring and willful living being. I like to think that I was created for a purpose. And that purpose is - I believe - to help spread equality, to bring knowledge and justice to all, to discover new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before, and to raise the standards of this universe so that together we can revel in its limitless wonder.


	2. The Life and Trials of Saok

It’s always been hard for me to see the difference between what should be and what is. You look and see a child with a mother and a father and you think, wow. That’s the way it should be. Even if you get to see a child with two moms, two dads… they have two people to lean on. Two people to dedicate themselves to each other, and to watch the kid grow. That’s real love. Right? But… sometimes when I look, what I see doesn’t match up to what should be. I see a father unable to feed his children. I see a girl with a fake leg. I see grieving a youth trying to be strong for her siblings. And I think, what, why? It feels so… wrong. Who said it has to be that way? Whose idea was it to make people suffer?

Maybe that’s my problem, I just can’t accept what is. I guess, in a way, I always knew. But it doesn’t help me change. I don’t want to. I take the initiative and I get involved with what I think is right. I fight against what’s wrong, and ultimately it gets the better of me. But what kind of life would I be living if I just stood by and let bad things happen to good people? I’m an able-bodied man with no strings attached – no weak points. I’m ripe for a fight. Always was. So how could I justify a peaceful life to myself? No, it’s not in my blood to have peace for myself – only to fight so that others can have it. Bit ironic.

Anyway, I guess I’d better come clean. I’m Saok – just Saok - and I’m probably full Vulcan but no one knew my parents, so it’s not exactly a sure thing. All I know is that they’re dead. After a short childhood in the orphanage on Vulcan, surrounded by nothing but logic and lonely kids, I got pretty sick of things. I snuck out one day, picked a ship in the hangar to sneak onto, and I’ve been getting mixed up with the wrong kind of folks ever since. I was thirteen when I started all this. Got sick all over the cargo hold before the captain found me sneaking rations, but he thought the whole thing was funny as hell. Excuse my language. I was raised by humans.

Every kind of human ended up contributing to my parenting. For those first two years I was a scrub on a smuggling vessel disguised as a market ship. I was the courier, the janitor, the butt of every joke, and the crew kid. All the men loved me. I was a useful, quiet little thing. Oh how the times have changed. When I expressed my wish to learn how to fly the ship they decided that I needed a better teacher. So on their next rendezvous they met some friends of theirs – in the loosest term of the word – and I began my service on my next ship. They were a group of scientists who occasionally needed black market body parts for their research. Again being humans, they loved me as their little alien pet, but I learned more from them than they realized. Anatomy, weaponry, computers, flying, you name it – half of it they taught me, and the other half I stayed up all night learning on the ships computer. I was obsessed with the life of a space explorer.

The scientists insisted that I apply to Starfleet when I was eighteen. But seeing as it was for goody-two-shoes and I was still a rough kid, I didn’t make the cut. That was ok. I didn’t want in anyway, I only applied to make my crew happy. Rules, uniforms, ranks… I wasn’t interested in all that. Starfleet had a ton of information that I was missing out on but I had promised myself that I’d learn all of it on my own time. In my own way.

When the scientists realized I was too rough for their line of work, they tried to talk me into going back to Vulcan for my education. I had this conversation with every human I met until I turned twenty. I didn’t want to go back. Not ever. There was nothing back there that I could use to make a life for myself. I had no mother, no father, and no friends. How would I pay for a home? How would I get a job? They wouldn’t accept me to college if I didn’t go to normal school, and that was what scared me the most. I dreaded being cooped up again. But the scientists were insistent that I learn how to be a refined member of my race, or at least a refined being, so they decided that it was best that I go home.

After that difficult conversation, we were close enough to a nearby planet so I took a shuttle pod to the local bazaar. I left without saying goodbye, which I still regret to this day, but on that planet I found my final family. I was twenty years old. A man. I walked into the nearest restaurant for my first home cooked meal in ages, and what do I find there? The only humans on the whole damn planet, running their own place. It was amazing. From what pictures I’ve seen of Earth, it looked just like a diner from the 1970s. Truly iconic. And the menu, what a bizarre mix! Romulan and Vulcan and human food, mixed with some other races I didn’t even recognize. Must’ve been the natives.

I ordered the biggest cheeseburger they had. The waitress, a beautiful girl with the reddest hair I’d ever seen, struck up a conversation with me between customers and before I knew it the place was about to close and we were alone. She told me all about her family. Her kind parents, their parents, her and her brother – it was just the seven of them on the planet. Her brother Steven had his own ship, a rowdy bunch she said, but he visited often and they had a good life here. The natives were pretty strange – fish people, you know – but they loved hamburgers, so they always got great customers. No other humans wanted to live there, though, so they were totally alone.

The girl’s name was Julia. She had the kindest eyes I think I’d ever seen. Freckles, a great curved figure, mismatched nail polish, bright green hair tie… I told her everything. We talked about my life in space and where I’d come from, about what I liked about the life and what I didn’t like. She loved my pointed ears. I remember exactly what she looked like that night; shining like a nebula. She was the first woman I was ever with. And she was also the last, because it was that night when I realized that something was wrong. I didn’t regret our time together but after it was over I realized how difficult it had been for me. I’d never run into anything that I couldn’t do as easy as snapping my fingers. I could clean artifacts, shoot a penny clear out of the sky at 500 yards, fly a spaceship, cook like I’d been flipping pancakes since I could walk, play music of any kind, paint, read in three languages… but being with a woman? It was too much for me. I never wanted to do it again. Sure, I was a healthy young man - which is what confused me the most – but I just couldn’t.

I never told her how I felt. The next day her brother came in his ship, and it only took ten minutes of conversation for us to become inseparable. We were kindred souls, me and Steven. I wasn’t much for the land life and Julia understood. I was always glad to have a reason to leave. After a few days of rest, Steven kissed his family goodbye again and took me aboard. His first officer had just retired to get married so after I told him my experience he let me fill the position. Despite the other uneasy crew members, I already knew everything about his ship because of my time studying so I felt totally at home aboard it.

Eventually me and the crew got acquainted. They were the same kind of loose-cannon kids that I was; there wasn’t much warming up to do. Those were the best years of my life. Steven and me took care of each other, and we had a ton of adventures I can’t even begin to explain. It had a lot to do with Steven’s gambling problems and I grew pretty fond of drinking during those years - now I don’t touch the stuff – but when it was over… I didn’t know what to do with myself. Some of the crew died over the years on dangerous missions. Steven didn’t have the heart to fill their positions again so he decided it was time to go home.

For once, I was ok with that. I knew he needed a change. We’d become like brothers; in time he even offered me Julia as a wife, but I told him I wasn’t ready for that life yet. Right then I wasn’t but I knew that I never would be. When we finally arrived back on Necro Nine, his family’s planet, he shook my hand and gave me his ship. “Take her,” he said to me. “Go get yourself a crew, and go find whatever it is that you’re looking for.”

It was hard for me to leave I guess because I was a little in love with him. He probably knew it, too. I think he was like me. Different. When I did go, it was the first time in my life that I really honestly cried. Even as a kid nothing got to me like Steven had. Man, I’ll never forget the time we spent together. Never.

I was twenty-five. I got myself a crew, got myself some jobs smuggling weapons for some local rebellions, and I lived pretty well for another ten years. People came and went. So did lovers. I learned a lot about myself and who I wanted to be, and I did a lot of good in that time. I rescued some kids from the aftermath of what happened to the rebellions I helped end and brought them to Julia. She’d never married, but she always told me to bring her more kids, so I did. Kids of every race. I met Steven’s wife a few years ago. I kissed his kids. I’m an uncle now, I suppose. Steven’s family are still my family.

But I wandered too far away from the places I knew. A month ago I picked up a job smuggling for some Ferengi thugs out on the edge of the galaxy and it went south. I lost my bearings, lost my crew, and I was about to die myself when a Federation ship showed up out of the blue. They saved my life. Now, I’d like to return the favor.


	3. A Guest Aboard

Captain Rosemary stared pensively across her desk. She was a rather strange woman with whom no one was especially familiar; she ran a clean ship, always kept a pristine air about her, and had large soulful eyes as black as space. Her skin was tanned, her nails were clean but never painted, and she had long straight brunette hair wrapped neatly in a bun at the naps of her neck. In her Starfleet uniform she cut an intimidating figure. She came from a people akin to humans who had a much smaller position in the galaxy. They were simple people unaccustomed to space travel, but since birth she’d shown much more backbone and much more ambition than all of them put together.

She’d left home at the soonest convenience to apply to Starfleet Academy. After ten years as a first officer on a Galaxy Cruiser, she’d been given her own ship. Needless to say she’d come far from her humble home world roots. Her career had only just begun and yet as the captain of a Galaxy Class 3 vessel, she was very much loved by her extensive crew and very, very good at her job.

Currently, Captain Rosemary sat across from a strange Vulcan which they’d recently rescued from a Ferengi vessel. He was rugged, loose, and odd; surely nothing like the race he hailed from. They’d risked a war saving his life. The Ferengi had already tortured and killed all of his human crew before their ship had managed to arrive. Any moment now, Rosemary was awaiting word from the Ferengi marking their first war since the conflict with the Klingons had come to a close a hundred years before. And it would be her responsibility entirely.  

The Vulcan’s name was Saok. He had just woken up in sick bay after two weeks in a coma; battered, scarred, and traumatized, he’d only recently regained his senses. All the better he had. They were almost at the nearest Starbase. But after watching his entire crew die it was a miracle that he was sane at all.

Tall, sinewy, with a neatly kept beard and uncombed brown hair pushed back off his forehead, Saok’s collectively sharp and handsome features only made his pointed ears stand out more. Rosemary eyed his ears. When she met his eyes again he the silent humility in them gave her pause. He’d begun something that she might be helpless to reverse. The only reason she didn’t throw him back onto his ship and warp in the other direction was because she, too, was nothing like her people. She knew what it was like to be different.

“Mr. Saok,” the captain began with an even voice. “Firstly, I would like you to know that Starfleet Directive 101 states that, as you are being held prisoner on this ship, you do not have to answer any questions posed to you.”

“Understood.”

“That being said, I will be posing questions to you on the grounds that I require all the information possible about what happened two weeks ago to put in my report. Also, in case we find ourselves in a war.”

Saok spread his hands. “I will cooperate in any way possible.”

“Very well. Now, would you explain to me why exactly the Ferengi wanted you dead?”

Shifting in his seat, Saok cleared his throat and struggled to compose his words. “You won’t like my answer.”

Captain Rosemary steepled her fingers together. “Go on, then. Get it over with.”

“Well...” He looked her in the eye. “I’m a smuggler.”

“What kind?”

“When a rebellion hits on a planet, I’m usually the one hired to funnel weapons to one side or the other. But I usually make sure I’m sending weapons to the right side.”

The captain was unreadable. “The right side?”

Saok was an open book. “Yes,” he replied. “I scope out the planet before I offer my services. If my employer wants the wrong side to win, I decline the job.”

“Elaborate.”

“On what, captain?”

Captain Rosemary leaned forward. “How do you choose which side of the rebellion is right and which side of the rebellion is wrong?”

Saok blinked. His eyes were narrow and dark, but a glimmer of green showed through as he realized what she meant and they widened. “I choose the side of justice, captain.” He said gravely.

Satisfied, Captain Rosemary sat back again, touching her steepled fingers to her lips. “And this time it was a Ferengi rebellion?”

“Yes. They’re in the middle of the biggest civil war in their recorded history.”

“Whom is fighting whom?”

“The… common people… are fighting the military government, captain.”

“Which side did you deliver arms for?”

“The common people, of course.”

“Why?”

“Because the military has plenty of weapons of its own,” Saok replied.

Captain Rosemary regarded him thoughtfully. “Mr. Saok, your actions created a ripple of consequences that has endangered your life, killed your crew, and may have plunged the Federation and the Ferengi into war. Did it ever occur to you that something of this magnitude might happen?”

“No,” Saok said immediately. “Never. I had only the best intentions, captain, I swear it. I could never have imagined… this,” he whispered. The worry and guilt draped over him like cobwebs.

“I am truly sorry for your loss, Mr. Saok.” Rising, the captain smoothed the front of her red and black uniform. “We will use a tractor beam to take both you and what’s left of your ship back to the nearest Starbase. If I do not receive a declaration of war from the Ferengi in that time, I will simply turn you over to the authorities and they will treat you only as a smuggler. They will then decide the proper punishments to administer.”

“And if you do hear from the Ferengi?” Saok asked.

Fixing him with her dark eyes, Rosemary stiffened. “If we get a declaration of war, Mr. Saok, you will personally attempt to explain to Starfleet how this war has happened upon us - and then I will be held solely responsible for the consequences of starting said war. It won’t be pretty for either of us, I’m afraid.”

Drawing back slowly, Saok seemed to be lost in thought. “Then, for your sake if not for mine,” he said quietly, “let’s hope that you don’t hear from them.”

On his way out, Captain Rosemary nodded to the guards at the door. “Continue to confine Mr. Saok to his quarters for the remainder of our trip.” As the prisoner passed through the bridge with both grim escorts and a melancholy air about him, a similar pair of pointed ears took notice.


	4. Peculiar?

A robotic chime echoed through the silent room. “Lieutenant Sari,” came a familiar voice. It startled the young man. He called for the lights and banished the glow of the computer screen as he took a millisecond to gather his wits. Tapping the communicator in his breast insignia, Iskadonik Sari closed his small autobiography on the computer and sat up a little straighter. “Sari here, Captain Rosemary,” he replied evenly.

            “Your presence is requested in my ready room.”

            “On my way, captain.” Lieutenant Sari untangled his legs from their pretzel shape and lowered his feet to the floor. Upon rising, he drew his mind back into the present, running through all the logical reasons the captain would request a science officer’s presence on the bridge – especially one of his personal caliber. The computer went dark on the desk as he gave the briefest of moments to glance at his unruly black hair in the mirror. He then dipped swiftly into the corridor.

            Night had fallen over the Galaxy-Class Starship _Trident_ , but within life went on uninterrupted for a select few. A few rouges like Sari wandered the long beige halls listlessly, unable to sleep. In space it was difficult to tie down day and night. Some tied their room clocks to the time on their home planet to have the lights rise and fall in that way, making things run like clockwork, but duty was all-hours. If they worked a separate shift than their personal daylight would agree with then their sleep patterns could become quite precarious. So, mostly the crew lived like there was no night and no day; only a time to sleep without the light and a time to rise so they could return to the world of artificial light.

For the active bridge crew it would be a much longer shift than usual. No one had been dismissed to rest but truthfully they were too on edge to sleep. After the recent rescue of an unknown from a Ferengi vessel, they awaited a declaration of war that would plunge the galaxy into chaos. When Lieutenant Sari arrived on the turbo lift the tension he found on the bridge was palpable. The officer in charge of monitoring external messages was constantly tuning and retuning the communication signals. Everyone on the bridge sat on the edge of their seats clutching desperately to their instruments; their eyes darted nervously around the room. They looked from the view screen’s void, to the captain’s ready room, to Sari, and then back to the void. It was as if the intensity of their stares could force the universe to cough up the message they dreaded so much.

This scene was too intense for Lieutenant Sari. Passing them by, he crossed the bridge in three steps and appeared at the captain’s ready room. He moved his hand over the pad at chest level. It was supposed to deliver a dull chime to the captain inside and indicate his arrival, but after a few moments of no reply he gently repeated the motion.

He loosened up enough to let a sigh slip through his nose. His shoulders were tight from holding his meditation pose for so long, his eyes ached from the bad lighting in his room, and he hadn’t had a wink of sleep in eight days. Vulcans could go without sleep for two weeks but any Vulcan, Romulan, or human was pushing it after a few days of avoiding rest, and he was an unsure combination of all three. He could feel his body shutting down. Even though he’d completed his objective in this condition normally he’d be able to rectify the temporary damage with a few days of relaxation. He’d plotted out his next few days with a lot of sleep and a trip to the holodeck’s exotic gardens but this meeting alone was proof that those plans had been altered.

Sari was a science officer. His field of study was the sociology of new species, language, and culture. That said, he rarely got out into the field. His work consisted mostly of research, interacting with unruly foreigners, and writing formal reports for the bridge crew before the interaction with a rare species - but he did get the occasional request to join an away team on recon. He was very quick and he had a knack for getting the crew out of trouble with the natives.

But it was only ever few months that Sari was summoned. They’d been out in deep space for over a year and during that time he’d barely run three missions. Mostly, he’d been left to his research. And in that time he’d gotten a lot done but he’d recently decided to write personal memoirs in order to combat his growing listlessness; all members of the crew grew a bit lifeless sometimes, but all of them had circles of friends to call on for a jump-start. Sari had books, a triple personality that liked holding boxing matches in his head, and a goldfish. So, he improvised.

 “Come,” Captain Rosemary’s muffled voice said from the ready room, startling Lieutenant Sari yet again. To his personal shame he jumped a little in front of the bridge crew - who were paying him no attention - and he obediently entered the captain’s ready room with his head bowed. He lifted his eyes after a moment of silent collection. The door slid shut with a hiss as his dark gaze locked with Captain Rosemary’s. She was standing with her arms crossed by the small round window, her brow knitted and her familiar dissatisfied expression decorating her ethnic face.

“How may I assist you, captain?” Lieutenant Sari asked. Outside the stars whizzed by in blurry streaks of light but he kept his eyes fixated on the captain. He realized then how long it had been since he’d actually looked out a window and felt a pang of regret.

Rosemary, who was always relieved to find someone as unreadable as herself, gave him a thoughtful look and turned to look out the window. Sari noted the intricate braiding in her hair bun. He’d never seen her use extra technique before and attributed the extra effort to anxious hands. “I have a task for you, Lieutenant,” she said. “One I hope you will take very personally.”

Sari fell silent. As a professional, he’d never taken anything ‘very personally’ and wondered if he should inform the captain of this. He opted not to.

Rosemary caught his eye again. “How much do you know about our current situation, Lieutenant?”

“Not much, captain. I’ve heard about the rescue mission and the possible war declaration, but I’m unaware of who was rescued or what our current heading is.”

“Our heading was announced over the intercom.”

“I was… deep in meditation.” The hard look Sari received convinced him that this answer was insufficient. “I’m wrapped up in my recent work. It is… very personal,” he managed.

Rosemary stepped over to her desk to retrieve a communications pad. She pulled up a file and offered it to Sari, motioning to the name at the top of the file. “The man we rescued from the Ferengi is a man named Saok. He was a Vulcan captain and an illegal arms smuggler. His entire crew was human; they were tortured and killed in front of him before we arrived, and his ship is currently being towed behind us in pieces.”

The report was crisp and simple, but as Sari soaked it in he was mind-boggled. A lone Vulcan captain with a crew of humans? What had he been doing all the way out in Ferengi space? And how did he gets mixed up in arms smuggling?

“When we found him, he was half dead and kept in sick bay, completely comatose. Until a week ago. When his health permitted an interview, he revealed to me everything in that report,” the captain continued. “I’m putting you in charge of his custody until our arrival at Starbase.”

“Me, captain?”

“Yes. When we arrive, he’ll be processed as a smuggler unless we receive the Ferengi’s declaration of war.”

“And if that happens?”

“Let’s not think about that just yet,” Rosemary said tersely.

Lieutenant Sari finished reading the report and turned off the communications pad. He turned it over in his hands with great care. His eyes were drawn to its colored buttons and sleek design as he digested the situation. Somehow he had a nagging feeling that he’d forgotten something very important but his sleep-deprived brain refused to give up the reason. “Captain,” he began, “Saok is not hostile and you’ve put him into protective custody until we reach our destination. May I have a more detailed description of the purpose of my involvement?”

To his astonishment, the captain cracked a smile. “You suddenly sound very Vulcan, Iskadonik,” she observed.

A healthy green blush tinted Lieutenant’s cheeks. After all his years working on the starship _Trident_ with Captain Rosemary, he’d never held back his intense passion for his work – in fact, he’d had his share of scolding for his unprofessional demeanor - but he wasn’t feeling very passionate about the Vulcan criminal he was assigned to babysit. Culturally, he’d interacted with many Vulcans, and found them to be stiff and disquieting. Their logic tended to cut his unbridled emotions to pieces; he was sensitive enough without being in a room filled with reptiles who looked down on him. They didn’t like the idea of a genetic mutt being one of their kind. Besides that, his work leaned towards new discoveries, not common psychology. He was better with unknown species than he was with individuals.

Sari shyly returned the tablet. “My apologies. I’ve just never had this kind of assignment, captain.”

“I mean no insult, and I understand your hesitation. You’re a scientist and a sociologist. But I need professional eyes on this prisoner to make sure he’s not planning any kind of escape or coup, and you’re the only Vulcan onboard with such an extensive record of foreign reconciliation. I could assign one of the ship’s psychologist to Saok’s case. They’d notice his behavior varying from the norm, but how many of them could talk him off the edge of a cliff?” Captain Rosemary searched Lieutenant Sari’s honest eyes but all she saw were his reservations. “I know you could keep him in check, Sari. You have a gift with beings. You have nullified more hostile situations than any other member of this crew, and your experience makes you the best candidate for this task.”

Lieutenant Sari balked in the face of the captain reaching out to him this way; sure, his reputation preceded him, but he was rarely given a mission. He was more a desk jokey than anything. In his opinion, his success to failure ratio was strongly biased. “I understand, captain, but…” He trailed off helplessly. “I’m socially inexperienced, and I might be part Vulcan but Vulcans aren’t my area of expertise by a long shot. The only Vulcans I ever knew were from my early childhood.” There was that nagging feeling again…

Rosemary walked up to him and saw that he tensed. She lowered her voice. “Saok is no normal Vulcan, and trust me when I say that I need you on this.” Intense faith shone forth from her like a beacon. “This is a delicate situation; if it explodes in my face, I want you to be the one to guarantee that both Saok and I will arrive in one piece to receive justice for our actions concerning this war.”

Awe and anguish blossomed akin in Sari’s chest. The last thing he wanted was for his captain to be condemned for saving the life of a being in need despite the probable consequences. He gathered himself in a dignified manner. “I believe that my involvement might not be able to fulfill your intentions of keeping the prisoner in check but despite my reservations, I will approach this task to the best of my abilities. It’s not in my nature to turn down a challenge - only to be skeptical in the face of unfamiliar obstacles.” He hesitated. “And I wouldn’t dream of letting you down, captain.”

“Good. I’m counting on you, Lieutenant.” Rosemary went back to her desk and took a seat. “I want you to get all the details of Saok’s background. Have him give as much information as he can so that when it comes time to build him a case, we already have a solid foundation. It’ll give you something to focus on this week. He’s a peculiar sort, so keep that in mind.”

Lieutenant Sari realized only then that they were a week away from the next Starbase and mentally mourned his loss of sleep in the recent past and also in the near future. Then he processed her second comment about Saok’s individuality. “What do you mean by ‘peculiar,’ captain?”

Folding her hands in her lap, the captain deepened the furrow of her brow. “He seems largely human in his mannerisms and speech. They’re similar to your own non-professional affectations. But my greatest concern is that his attitudes and intentions differ wildly from yours or mine; he smuggled weapons mostly during periods of civil war on any given planet, and believes himself to be capable of making strict moral judgements. I’m unsure how he’ll react to the guilt of losing his crew, or being tried as a traitor of the Federation if things do come to that.” Rosemary never let her gaze drift from the Lieutenant during this time; now, satisfied with her final explanation, she let her eyes flicker and her posture loosen up. She suddenly resembled a normal science officer observing a situation as its most basic elements. “I believe you’ll find him quite fascinating because he’s such an outlier – still, like I said, he’s… dangerous.” Her eyebrow lifted.

A storm cloud of thought darkened Sari’s face. “I… understand my task fully, captain. Thank you for your elaboration and your trust. I’ll proceed to the prisoner’s quarters, with your permission.”

Rosemary waved her hand agreeably. “Make it so, Lieutenant.”

Sari gave a silent hand motion that indicated he was going to prepare himself to meet this challenge delicately and as he headed for the door, the captain settled her steepled fingers against her lips. The hiss of the door opening and closing caused her no comfort. She gave another sigh and leaned towards the window, mapping out the constellations and the destruction of her career, thinking about how it would ruin the many possibilities she’d hoped to approach in the future. Her only regret was that she’d have to leave a young ship brimming with so much potential.


	5. Peers - if not Equals

Deep in thought, Lieutenant Iskadonik Sari didn’t stop by his quarters to freshen up before his interview but instead made a beeline for the prisoner Saok’s quarters. He was quite eager to meet this Vulcan and he found two guards stationed outside the room. After giving them a brief update on the captain’s orders, they stood by as the door slid open with a hiss. Sari passed between them cautiously into the well-lit room. His eyes passed over the room’s bare appearance as the door closed behind him; on a starship comfort was a necessity, but it seemed to him that without personal effects the quarters could be quite sterile. During childhood he’d had several battles with his health and had grown to detest sterile places.

            “I agree,” came a voice from his left. “It’s haunting in here.”

            Sari saw a figure out of the corner of his eye and regarded it with violated fascination. It was clearly a very tall Vulcan male with broad shoulders; he took up most of the doorway to the bedroom. Upon closer inspection Sari noticed he had a neatly trimmed beard, casual appearance, and cool demeanor. He met the man’s eyes and became very intent upon them. “I prefer being asked before someone reads my thoughts,” he said.

“Sorry, it’s just that I was thinking the same thing; it was a very strong signal and not my initial intention to bring it to light.” The man stepped forward, using his long legs and extra height with practiced fluidity. “I asked the dispenser for a variety of different foods to decorate the table, but it’ll only last so long before I’ll have to find another alternative.” He showed the Vulcan greeting before he held out his hand. “I assume the captain sent you, and that you know who I am.”

“Your assumption is correct, Mr. Saok.” Sari showed the Vulcan motion as well before he shook the offered hand, mimicking his iron grip. Saok’s hand was large and his trigger finger was calloused. “My name is Lieutenant Iskadonik Sari. I’m the officer assigned to your watch.”

The stranger quirked his Vulcan eyebrow. “Iskadonik? Is that Romulan?”

“Uzbek, actually,” Sari explained. “My father was a human.”

“You can’t be saying that you’re one third of each?”

Astonished, Sari wavered cautiously. “How did you guess that?”

He forced himself to stand perfectly still as the stranger circled him with hungry eyes. The bow of Saok’s legs caused his steps to seem incredibly deliberate, but his relaxed posture showed a man at ease, sizing up his new companion like he’d size up a meal. Sari eyed him. He smelled of gun cleaner, foreign aftershave, and something deeper he couldn’t put his finger on. Clearly the captain had been right. This was no ordinary Vulcan. “Well?” He pressed nervously.

The stranger nodded absently and continued circling him. “Calm down, Lieutenant, I’m just gathering observations.”

Sari pulled a frown. Saok’s voice was familiar like the low strum of a cello, and his intonation indicated nothing but charm and plain curiosity. In no way was his investigation hostile. For someone who had gone through so much it was amazing that he betrayed no hints of negative emotion. Still, Sari felt on edge. The absence of negativity was more suspicious than it was comforting.

“What I see in you is humanity,” Saok said finally. “You’re poised with individual attitude and you show no former Vulcan schooling, but you show the genetic eyebrows, ethnic coloring, and the tips of your ears are green and clearly pointed.” He stood off to one side, crossing his arms thoughtfully over his chest. The black material of his shirt tucked against his breast as it swelled with a deep sigh. “Not to mention that no one could mistake those eyes for human eyes. They’re too… intense. Too cold.”

 _Too cold?_ Sari fought a flicker of hurt that brandished itself on his brow like a medallion. He prided himself on his humanity. To hear that he had a cold gaze affirmed his fears that he was, indeed, taking after his mother and her intimidating Vulcan appearance.

Under Saok’s careful scrutiny absolutely nothing was lost. He took a gentle pause to show that he regretted the effect the comment had caused, but he continued after the pause was over. “Your hair is clearly Romulan, though – forever untamable. They often just shave it off. But you bear yours in a typical professional style worn by human officers, so you were raised around them like I was. Probably on Earth where you joined Starfleet.” He held out his arms in a show of finality. “How did I do?”

Sari’s gaze drifted to the table where familiar human dishes drew him with their enticing scents. Saok was right. They did brighten the place up. “Right on all counts. Congratulations.”

Saok lowered his arms. “I’ve offended you.”

“No, please don’t think so.” Sari walked by Saok to the table and noticed a Russian open-faced sandwich from the stack of proffered dishes. He turned his cold eyes on the stranger. “I’m open to constructive criticism, and rarely do I meet individuals who care to go full Sherlock Holmes on my person. May I?”

“I insist.” Soak joined him at the table, picking up a bowl of meatballs. “I’ve become very paranoid during my conscience time aboard the _Trident._ It’s a rare state of mind. I apologize for my bluntness; hopefully it’ll pass.” He fit a large meatball in his mouth. “Fortunately for me, I picked up human eating habits after years of cohabitation. Meatballs are a Godsend.”

Sari finished the sandwich and began comparing the calories of each dish. “Do you believe in God, Mr. Saok?” He met the stranger’s startled gaze with his best poker face as he popped a grape into his mouth, slowly chewed it, and swallowed.

To his great pleasure he saw he’d made the stranger uneasy. “I’m a God fearing man, yes,” Saok responded.

            Nodding, Sari took a plate of traditional middle-eastern meat dumplings and a fork, taking it upon himself to sit at one end of the table. He went about it as if he were in his own room about to have dinner. In fact he hadn’t eaten today, and enjoyed the look of surprise on Saok’s face as he proceeded to eat a lot while unhindered by familiarities. “Please, sit down,” he said between dumplings.

            Saok obeyed but he ceased to eat. The bowl of meatballs sat before him, now untouched on the table.

            “Tell me something.” Sari helped himself to a pitcher of water on the table. “You view things you enjoy as Godsent gifts, but you refer to your faith as fear. No one finds religion more archaic than Starfleet. But I personally find that in every successful culture there is a moral root in religion that helped move their civilization in a positive direction from the very start. How did you acquire such a religion?”

            Saok gave a heavy shrug. “Humans like their traditional ways. They help them cope with the entropy of the universe. Didn’t your father have his traditional ways?”

            “He did.” Finishing another glass of water, Sari pushed aside his empty plate. Sated, he sat back, leaning his arms on the table. “But he never spoke to me of his God. Not even in my later years. He always used his faith as a compass - not a Bible.”

            “And you didn’t inherit that compass?”

            Sari shook his head slowly without breaking eye contact. “I’m a scientist, Mr. Saok; I believe in chemicals and entropy. Faith and science are incompatible lovers.”

            “Oh, I wouldn’t say that,” Saok smiled. “After all, who gifted us with the genius of science?” He leaned forward and took a meatball. “You’d say evolution. I’d say God. But all reactions require a catalyst; what catalyst could possibly be massive enough to convince men to build tanks and warships?”

            “The creation of the universe is said to have had enough energy sufficient to fuse everything in the cosmos. Water, starlight… genetics.” Sari calmly sipped his third glass of water, watching the light glimmer off of its surface. “War. Faith. Love.”

            “Faith and love are not creations of science, Iskadonik Sari.” Saok was smiling at him warmly. Sari looked up expecting to see a protesting expression and instead he felt the soft telepathic waves of friendship and… enlightenment. He found himself confounded yet again by the mood changes of this strange Vulcan. He put down his water glass.

            “It was nice to meet you, Mr. Saok.” Sari got to his feet. “For now I’ll retire to my quarters, but be sure to expect my presence daily until we reach our destination.”

            Saok rose as well, walking with him to the door. “The pleasure was mine, Lieutenant.” They shook hands again. “I look forward to the company.”

            Sari’s searching look eased into satisfaction; he gave a terse nod and left the room without a glance back. He could feel Saok’s telepathic fingertips caressing his mind as he retreated. He continued to keep his mind favorably blank. Allowing only his rawest feelings to bubble to the surface had been a correct strategy. His Romulan emotions were so strong that they overpowered his dominant human emotions for relevance in his mind. Lately his Romulan half had been getting even more intense than normal; although he was trained in how to ignore these basic urges, it would be impossible for a telepath unfamiliar with mixed races to feel passed that barrier of biting anger, sexual libido, and testosterone to the truth below them. Sari was so afraid of what other Vulcans thought of him that he’d developed this skill when he was in the Academy. It never ceased to confound his kin.

            He gave a report of good substance to the captain describing Saok’s defensive mind games. It helped him fully understand the effect that this man had and why the captain had been so worried about him. Clearly, he’d been taken in by both the right and wrong kids of humans in his lifetime, because his level of deflection was far more practiced than Sari’s own telepathic barrier was. A man of that caliber had a high intelligence. Sari did feel that Saok was different – higher, floating, only approaching the rest of them when confronted by the reality they all shared – but in many ways, the manner, thoughts, and words of this stranger reminded him far too much of himself. He resolved to try and not think that way in the future. But for now, combining the stranger with his growing urges, he was undoubtedly quite troubled.

Sari showered slowly. He set his alarm and found his bed in the dark. His body was as heavy as a bag of wet concrete as he slunk beneath the covers and as pressed his head against the pillow, his wet black hair curling at his nape. His entire body heaved a sigh of relief as he finally closed his eyes. And yet when he did, the only thing he could see was the towering silhouette in the bedroom doorway and the glimmer of Vulcan green eyes in the dark.


	6. Fault or Consequence

Saok did not sleep. He told himself it was because he’d spent two weeks in a coma, but he knew that he was only guilty that he’d slept so well the first week he’d been conscience. Now he was anxious enough to prevent himself from resting. They were growing closer and closer to either war or his incarceration and neither gave him much comfort. If there was a war, he would be tried as a traitor and probably be exiled or killed. If he was incarcerated… he had been to jail a few times and it did not suit him. He was formidable in appearance, yes, but he disliked the constant competition. It was exhausting. He just wanted to be left alone. Maybe exile would be offered to him as an alternative.

            For a Vulcan, exile was death. Besides the fact that without company he would shrivel up mentally and go insane, for a Vulcan during his pon farr... The rush of chemicals either drove him to mate a Vulcan of his choosing or fight something to the death. If he didn’t mate or win the fight, he himself would die. He shuddered. Every seven years after reaching maturity a Vulcan experienced pon farr. And he was approaching his 35th birthday soon – very soon.

            A flash of panic gripped him. How much time had he lost? Was his birthday closer than it seemed? He ran to the computer and booted it up. It was restricted, but he could still use its basic functions, so he grabbed it and tried to think. “Computer,” he managed. “What is the star date?”

            The computer chimed. “The star date is 41368.4.”

            Collapsing into the chair, Saok ran a hand over his face. “Thank God.” He leaned forward. “Computer…” For a moment he was lost for ideas. He had one week to ask about anything and see what was denied and not denied before they locked him up, but someone would know about all his inquires. That much he could figure out. Maybe Iskadonik would see, maybe the captain… He smiled. “Computer, what can you tell me about Iskadonik Sari?”

            “Main profile restricted. Public profile accessible. Lieutenant Iskadonik Sari. Science officer aboard the Starship _Trident_. Age, 27. Gender, male. Heritage, Vulcan, Romulan, Human. Eyes, brown. Hair, black. Height, 6”0. Main areas of expertise are Sociology, Linguistics, Cultural Differentiation, and Behavior. End of public profile.”

            _27? How curious._ Sari was approaching his next pon farr as well. That is, if he still had them with his diluted bloodline. It was likely that he had experienced pon farr. He might seem human but if his blood was green than his body was physiologically Vulcan, and the Romulan sprinkle in his DNA could certainly boost the Vulcan’s normal experience during that time – and not in a good way. Saok folded his arms over his chest. During their entire interview all he’d been able to sense from Sari had been his intense negative emotions. Clearly, he’d been fooled. The boy used his instinctive Romulan overtones to hide his true human undertones. A very useful trick. One that he could not get passed easily. A smile crept onto Saok’s face as he thought about Sari.

All those strong emotions had thrown him off, sure, but the strongest thing he’d felt from Sari had been his sex drive. Clearly he didn’t have a regular mate – or possibly any mate at all. He was insatiably curious about how young Sari had handled his first two pon farr episodes and whether he was… different. It was interesting to think about. He himself had spent his first three pon farr episodes aboard human vessels but he’d been lucky enough to procure tough male mates. Those were not easy to come by.

Maybe… No, it was incredibly unlikely. Their birthdays probably wouldn’t be this close together. Besides, Sari would be impossible to subdue with that foreign blood of his. He might even try to kill Saok during the process. He shouldn’t have even considered it.

Saok spent the next seven hours looking through Earth’s history, the history of the Federation, and Federation regulation about court cases. He took few breaks to eat or drink a glass of water, focusing solely on where the rest of his life would lead after this case. He was deeply involved and awakened from his studies only by the chime of a guest at the door.

“Come,” he called. He glanced up, expecting to see the captain or a guard, but instead he was greeted by the refreshed figure of Lieutenant Sari. His emotions were again well masked. Rising to his feet, Saok smiled and approached the young man for a hand shake. “You look well, Lieutenant.”

“Mr. Saok.” Sari shook his hand with the same determined grip as before. “You didn’t sleep?”

“Is it morning already?” Saok blinked.

Sari smiled. “I believe you must’ve been pretty busy not to notice.”

“Yes, I’ve been researching for my court case.” Saok went back to the computer to show Sari where he’d stopped, motioning to the individual articles. “Everything is so in-depth that it takes me hours to understand all of them.”

“That’s Starfleet for you.”

Saok offered a chuckle, glancing at Sari. “Well, I’ll give you some time to think about what you want to talk about today. I need a shower.” He went into the bedroom to get his spare clothing. “I promise to be quick.” When he returned, Sari was standing in the same place by the computer, looking a bit put-off. Saok gave him a grin. “You could always join me.”

Sari gave out a telepathic flare of angry sexual suppression that knocked Saok’s socks off. Then he said, “I’d prefer not to. I’ll remain here.” His voice was kept very even. Saok, shocked, felt the young man wrestling with his inner feelings but what he saw on Sari’s face was a placid mask; was he serious or did Saok just push the wrong button?

“Fair enough,” Saok said finally. He vanished into the bathroom. Putting up a telepathic shield, he vigorously scrubbed his hair. What in God’s name _was_ this kid? Saok was angry at himself for letting Sari confuse him. Obviously, Sari was determined not to play his game at whatever cost, even if it meant playing games of his own. That really made Saok mad. All he wanted was a little banter.

In a few minutes he stepped out of the steam and into the room, his dim white clothes loose on his lanky form and his damp hair combed back. He hung the towel on a hook outside the bathroom door before searching the room for the science officer. At first he didn’t see him. Stepping further into the room, Saok saw that Sari was perched on the couch with his eyes closed as if he were meditating. He let down his mental shield. Feeling around the young man’s mind, Saok took note that he was deep in thought and hadn’t noticed him yet. His hair was a little tamer today and there was more color in his cheeks.

Delicately Saok took a seat on the other end of the couch, crossing his long legs and reclining at his leisure. “Have you made a question list yet?” He spoke up with a hint of mischief.

Sari did not jump this time. He simply opened his eyes and glanced at Saok sideways. “Prominent in my mind is the question about your intentions, but I know full well you won’t volunteer them willingly.”

“And why not?” Saok protested. “You need only ask.”

Sari turned an odd stare on the older man. “Alright, then. What honestly are your intentions aboard this ship?”

Saok looked into Sari’s wary dark eyes and got a rush of insult. His nostrils flared. “I intend on going to my court case and answering for the wrong I’ve done!” He declared. “Being a criminal does not automatically make me a terrible man - it only describes what I’ve done with my manhood. What kind of man breaks the bonds of good men to avoid the consequences of his own choices? Besides… it’s my fault that my crew is dead. They were my responsibility,” he said stonily.

“Then why the games? The mind reading?” Sari pressed.

“Well, I didn’t say I was a boring man,” Saok pointed out.

Sighing, Sari sat back and eyed Saok. “You’ll have to prove to me that you’re telling the truth. I can’t just take your word.”

“And why not?”

“Because it’s my job not to.”

“Fair enough. You’ll see in time. Now, it’s my turn to ask a question.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. Tell me, when is your birthday?”

Lieutenant Sari’s brow crinkled and his nose wrinkled up a little like he was thinking about it. He had a dull tired look in his eyes; Saok almost thought he didn’t know. And then suddenly Sari’s eyebrows shot up and his face became as smooth as glass and as pale as paper.

Saok held out his hand instinctively. “Lieutenant? Lieutenant, are you quite alright?”

“Uh…” Sari’s Adam’s apple bobbed. He got stiffly to his feet, wavering a bit like he was going to fall over. “Don’t move. I’ll be back,” he barked. Then like a whirlwind he was gone.

When the door shut behind him, Saok was the one feeling incredibly put-off. They’d just begun warming up to one another. He didn’t realize the extent of the situation as he mulled over his imprisonment, pacing back and forth in his room, and then finally the door opened and once more Sari appeared. Saok hurried to greet him. “What’s happened?” He demanded. “Are you unwell?”

Sari was unreadable. “I’m about to be, I’m afraid.”

Saok just stared at him. “Come in,” he said absently, walking back to the couch. They resumed their previous seats and Saok watched the younger man carefully until he chose to speak again. “Out with it, then. We’ve only just met. Normally it takes a full week before I get run out on like that.” He held out his hand with a wave of encouragement.

Basically unchanged, Sari was only slightly paler than before. “For personal reasons, I will be unable to continue our meetings. Another crew member will be assigned to your custody.”

“What?” Saok blurted.

“Because you’ve already read my file, you’re aware of the age I’ll be reaching soon,” Sari explained shakily. “And unfortunately I’ve just remembered it. My birthday… it’s in only three days.”


	7. Pon Farr?

Saok took a second to observe Lieutenant Iskadonik Sari in this perturbed state. Really, he was a handsome young man. Saok hadn’t met many Vulcans in his adult life so he hadn’t been prepared for how much they would have in common. Demeanor, wit, intelligence, humor… Maybe it wasn’t just their race. This mix breed Sari was equal parts sharp and soft, stiff and fluid, half Vulcan half human in every way. His face was longer but he had a soft, well curved nose, youthful cheeks, and great soulful eyes. Quite cold, but when he wasn’t calculating internally his eyes became deep pools. Deeper than anything Saok had ever seen.

Regret prickled his heart. “You haven’t got a mate at your age,” Saok said quietly. “What will you do?”

Slowly, Sari shook his head. “I… I’m not sure.”

“So you have two days to convince one of the other ones on the ship – if there are any?”

Pulling a hand down over his face, Sari drew in his shoulders. “This is no longer your concern. I’ll be leaving to deal with this interruption presently.” When he got to his feet he did so slowly, and Saok crossed the room in two steps to block the door.

“Wait!” Saok said quickly. “Wait. Please, Sari, let’s talk. I can help you work this out.”

The science officer held up his hand defensively. “I don’t wish to involve you any further, Mr. Saok. Please let me pass.”

By the sadness lurking in those deep eyes Saok had a feeling that he was lying. He knew what it felt like to have no one during pon farr. He reached out and took Sari by the upper arms, steering him back to the couch. The heat of Sari surprised him. Humans were colder than Vulcans, so he’d always been the hot one. “Sit.” He ordered. Sari hesitated. He was outwardly despairing but it seemed he was not convinced of their sufficient friendship.

Saok sat close by, releasing Sari but holding out his arms in a show of good will. He kept a lock on the other man’s emotional eyes. “Let me help,” Saok implored him. “I’ve gone through the same thing, Sari.”

The Lieutenant was trembling. “I can’t.”

“You can! We’re brothers, Sari - trust me as a Vulcan!” Saok cried.

“No. This is no concern of yours,” Sari said curtly. “And no criminal is a brother of mine.” Turning on his heel, Sari marched to the door. It opened obediently. He paused on the threshold to glance back. Soak was too shocked to understand what that glance meant. “Goodbye, Mr. Saok,” Sari articulated. And like that, he was gone.

With a cry of frustration, Saok jumped to his feet, beginning again to angrily pace the room. He ran his fingers through his damp hair. He kicked at the metal chairs. What a stubborn kid! A downright disrespectful brat! Who did he think he was? Not brothers, indeed! He stood in the middle of the sterile room with the smell of rancid food in his nose and the taste of bitterness in his mouth. Mechanically he moved to the table. One by one, he roughly picked up the dishes and tossed them back in the dispenser, which disintegrated them. Dishes clattered and broke. The table was littered with rogue bits of food. Furiously, Saok swept all of it into the dispenser until not a crumb remained.

Riding the wave of fury in his chest only made Saok feel emptier when it crested and crashed, leaving him with nothing. He sank into a chair and thought, _why am I so offended? I’m a stranger. He’s a kid. We’ve only just met, and clearly he’s an asshole._ A sigh racked him. That kid was all alone, he could feel it. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Sari had plenty of Vulcan friends. Maybe there was a beautiful Vulcan woman he’d ask to mate with him this year. Saok put his face in his hands.

A nagging voice at the back of his mind said, _then why did he run out before? Why did he tremble before you? And why did he almost stay?_ Saok’s chest ached. He tried to push those thoughts away. Maybe Sari wasn’t an asshole, just a scared kid with no one to trust.

He got up abruptly and ordered a drink from the food dispenser. It came in a mug that looked more like a bowl; it was thick and hot and smelled like heaven. He took it to the couch and began to take hearty sips. The drink slid warmly down his throat spreading throughout his entire body, and he leaned his head back as he waited for the effect to take hold.

It didn’t take long. He let the swirling in his mind and the buzz in his chest sweep him away, taking away from him all the guilt and doubts, memories and regrets, and wrongs and rights trapped inside him. It freed him.

After three of those drinks he began to lose his sense of self. Then, when that was gone, all he had were his impressions floating around in his consciousness. Bare walls. Rough carpet. His hand passed over the side of the couch and he mistook it for a velvet cliff. With clumsy fingers he scratched his itchy throat where new hairs were puncturing the skin. His swimming brain made the pain amplified by a thousand fold. Writhing, he breathed in time with his heartbeat as he waited for the agony to ebb into the blackness he was melting in. He forgot how to breathe. With every sharp throb it faded until he was left with nothing but an ache and a vague memory of error. He gasped for air until his brain restarted itself and remembered how to gather oxygen.

Saok didn’t hear the door open but he did feel the entire world spin like a can kicked off the side of a building when someone grabbed him roughly and threw him onto the couch. Muffled words were too low to hear and too sharp for his sensitive ears; he draped his arms over his eyes to block out the sound. A groan escaped him. A foreign chime followed, and then a nice lull of silence.

There was distant shouting but he didn’t pay attention. He wanted to sleep. Maybe he could get a real bed in prison. He wanted to… He wanted…

A familiar telepathic presence drew near. Saok fought off sleep trying to identify it. It filled him, touching his drunken mind delicately, and it didn’t shy away. Why didn’t it shy away? He was a mess. No sane telepath would mess with a drunk. It was like mentally wadding into a swamp filled with crocodiles and really deep potholes.

 _Saok,_ came a telepathic voice.

 _Sari?_ Now he was in trouble. _Why the hell are you back?_

Saok felt a rush of relief from Sari. _They called me. You were presumed dead._

_No, I’m just really drunk._

_Fascinating. Do me a favor?_

_Anything for you, sunshine,_ Saok thought sarcastically.

_Please come out of the coma._

_I’m in a coma?_

_Hence the favor._

_Shit!_ Adrenaline coursed through Saok. His brain gave a jolt that made his body spasm and summoned him back from the depths of his consciousness. Slowly he resurfaced. His senses returned to him. He was lying on a soft medical table wearing nothing but shorts. The bright light winked in the corner of his eye, but behind his Vulcan eyelids it was as black as night. He could hear machines beeping, people murmuring, and someone’s breathing. It wasn’t his own. And alongside him in his head, he felt the brush of Sari’s mentality helping bring him back to life.

 _Well done,_ Sari’s voice said.

Then it withdrew from his consciousness and Saok rejoined the world of the living.


	8. The Dark Truth

“Are you aware of my thoughts?” Saok asked suddenly, breaking the silence he’d cultivated between himself and the very stiff Lieutenant Sari.

The room became much smaller as Iskadonik took his words into careful consideration. Saok’s room had been their only meeting point since Captain Rosemary had decided to confine him to quarters upon his arrival – with Sari as his constant companion. The lieutenant had been relieved of all duties in the face of his very eminent pon farr. He was allowed to leave his post and exchange with a guard upon the arrival of the uncomfortable incident, but seeing as he was the only one Saok had taken a liking to and without him present he might likely cause trouble, Sari had opted to remain his companion. But he was by no means obligated. Now, Sari was here as a friend. His dark eyes flickered.

“I think I know,” Iskadonik replied quietly, his gaze turning abashedly to the older Vulcan. “You’re entertaining the idea that you can induce your own pon farr early and mate with me in two days.”

“With how high your hormone levels are, it would be quite easy and convenient for both of us, if you look at it logically.” Saok stood up from the table and walked towards Sari. “But those were not my thoughts exactly.”

Curious, Sari eyed Saok’s mysterious expression. “I distinctly felt you thinking about me. I only assumed…”

“You assume me to be nothing but a scientist, and a rogue, thinking only of your youthful figure and of circumstance,” Saok interrupted. “But I am much more than that.”

“You love talking in dramatic monologue, don’t you?” Sari sighed.

“It gives me great pleasure.”

“Fine.” Sari motioned to him. “Tell me, then. What were you really thinking?”

In one swift motion, Saok grasped Sari’s hand and knelt before him, his green eyes alive with fire and intensity. “I was thinking about your lonely years,” he began. “How there were none of your kind to mold you, how wildly you grew – how human and how unique! Like me, thrust out into space for survival - albeit raised among heathens - you thrived in a foreign atmosphere! You’ve come so far and done so much for yourself!”

“What is this?” Sari leaned back, blushing. “Saok, release me please.”

“I can’t.” Saok kissed his hand. “I’ve been thinking for all this time about how to give you the highest compliment; whether I should begin with your endless eyes, your gracious loyalty, or even your incredible intelligence – but these pale in comparison to your best true quality.”

Sari kept his face and his thoughts unreadable. “And what is that?”

Smiling, Saok squeezed Sari’s hand as it curled in his fingers. “Your incredible, soft heart.” Sari took back his hand and sighed, looking away. His blush remained. Saok leaned his elbow on his knee and studied him closely. “I’ve chosen to stop playing my games with you - after all, you did save my life – but you don’t seem to be as fond of me now.”

“Don’t be so dramatic - you were barely dead.”

“Barely – _almost!_ ” Soak corrected. “You didn’t answer me. Are you less fond of me now? Do I bore you?”

Sari searched his eyes and his mind for any signs of deceit and still found none. Saok had even his mind open to telepathy. _What do you say, handsome?_ Saok teased. Lowering his eyes, Sari grew quiet. “No, you don’t bore me.”

“You’re just preoccupied with the ceremony.”

            “Answer me honestly. Did you glean that from my mind?”

            “No,” Saok said honestly. “It just seems like the next logical guess. You’re a very thoughtful young man.”

            “Indeed.” Sari wound his fingers together tightly. “We’re exactly seven years apart in age, is that right?”

            “Yes. Actually, it’s very common among Vulcans – we can only bear children every seven years.” Saok folded his legs beneath him on the carpet and settled down. “But it seems to me that God has brought us together so that we can both survive this trying time. I’m about to be on trial for my crimes and possibly waste away in prison until I perish. You, by some twist of fate, have never experienced a full pon farr you truly enjoyed. Our solutions are each other.”

            “You can’t possibly…” Sari held his tongue. His telepathic methods of avoiding detection were failing as his anger and defensiveness flared up. “Please stop.”

            “I understand,” Saok said gently. “Why else would you be here with me instead of seeking a perfectly willing female of another species? Clearly, there are no other Vulcans onboard. You’re very aesthetically pleasing. It would be a simple act of reaching out to a tough female or two – or even spending your pon farr on the holodeck, killing holograms.” He leaned forward. “I can only assume that since Vulcans don’t reach sexual maturity until twenty years old that you’ve had only one pon farr – possibly with a female mate chosen by your mother.”

            _“Stop!”_ Sari pleaded.

            Saok fell silent. He waited for Sari to calm himself before reaching out to him again, taking both his hands warmly. Those big dark eyes rested on him and he regretted speaking so freely. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “Forgive my rudeness.”

            “Your apology is accepted, but you need to check your words,” Sari replied sharply. “People’s lives are not puppet strings for you to manipulate.”

            “I’m trying to show you the logic of my approach,” Saok pressed. “My prying has a purpose.”

            Sari’s expression was guarded and cold. “Just because we both favor males does not mean that I favor you.”

            Soak did not take his eyes from Sari’s face. “But you do.”

            “You’re incorrigible!” Sari groaned, leaping to his feet. He began to restlessly pace the room, a hand over his face. “I should leave. I can’t deal with you in this state of mind.”

            “If you don’t listen to what I’m saying, we might not have any state of mind,” Saok argued. “I’m trying to do things your way – with logic!”

            “Maybe I don’t want logic!” Sari snapped.

            Taken aback, Saok’s eyes grew wide. “You did like my romantic approach.”

            “Be _quiet!_ ” Sari cried. “I can’t think with you in my head, or with your words in my mouth!” He stopped in the corner of the room with his back to Saok and struggled to compose himself again. He was failing. Waves of desperation and hormonal desires wafted off him telepathically. He began to tremble. “I can’t think… I can’t…” He clenched his teeth together.

            Sari flinched as someone touched him. It was Soak, his broad hand resting on the back of Sari’s neck, warm and comforting. He said nothing. Saok gave off waves of tranquility to calm his young friend. Sari stopped trembling.

            “I know… your intentions are good,” Sari said finally. “But I am afraid of myself. I’ve never admitted to what I am, and… my first pon farr does not hold fond memories for me.”

            “I’m so sorry. What happened?” Saok asked gently.

            “I suppose it’s futile to keep anything from you at this point. I haven’t got much time left, anyway.” Sari crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “My mother sent me a female mate from Vulcan when I was twenty years old. My father, who lives on Vulcan, had chosen her to be my wife. But I couldn’t control myself when we were together. My Romulan blood is too strong; even by Vulcan standards, I was incredibly rough with her. I broke the contraception and… I impregnated her.” He tensed. A few moments of hard silence passed. Sari covered his eyes with his hand, horrified by his own memories. “I hurt her during that same intercourse. She lost the baby before we spoke again, and returned home in a deep depression. For a Vulcan woman to lose a baby is a great tragedy. She might never recover from that kind of shock.”

            Saok sank into a nearby chair. “Christ.”

            “God had nothing to do with it.” Sari walked away from him. “After that day, I vowed to never take another mate.”

“That’s insanity! You… you’ll die!”

            “I’m a monster!” Sari snarled. “I prefer death than to continue harming others!”

            “Iskadonik,” Saok whispered.

            Sari didn’t respond. He was staring out the window. “I’ve been living my life as if the future didn’t matter. Where you see loyalty, I see blind obedience. Where you see intelligence, I see badges of my loneliness. And where you see a soft heart… I see only darkness and pain.”

            “Your heritage is not your fault. Your blood is not your concoction.” Soak rose to his feet. “Your past does not define you.”

            Sari whirled on him _. “Yes it does!”_

Saok took a step closer. “The man I know is not malicious. He is not cruel.” He drew closer still. “You are not a monster, Sari.”

            “You’re wrong,” Sari trembled. “You’re wrong about me!”

            Saok reached out to him. “You’re just a boy who made a mistake. It’s not your fault.”

            Sari shrunk away from him. “I… I know that, I...”

            Saok wrapped his arms around Sari. “It’s not your fault,” he whispered into his hair, holding him crushingly tight. “It’s not your fault.”

            “I didn’t mean to hurt her,” Sari wept quietly. “And my baby… God, _my baby_ … _!_ I’m dangerous! I don’t want to mate again – I don’t want to hurt anyone else! Let me go!” He cried hysterically, struggling to escape the embrace.

Saok just held him tighter. “You can’t hurt me. I promise.”

Sari wildly tried to break free, but Saok’s arms were like reinforced steel bars. “I will,” Sari snarled. “If you mate with me, I will!”

“I’m tougher than you, kid. I can handle anything you throw at me.”

_“I don’t want to hurt you!”_

“You didn’t want to hurt anyone. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault,” Saok chanted.

He didn’t release the hysterical Lieutenant Sari until he’d wearied himself out. It didn’t take long. He dissolved into Saok’s arms, limp. His hysterics left him exhausted. Saok lay him on the couch with his head in his lap, stroking his hair over and over, replaying Sari’s words in his head until he could fully comprehend the extent of the young Vulcan’s grief. He looked down at him sadly but for the first time in his life, he could find nothing else to say.


	9. Complicated

Sari lay dazed with his head cushioned on Saok’s lap all night. The new day dawned without him noticing. His head ached and pounded behind his eyes - probably the result of crying so hard for the first time in five years. He shed a tear occasionally in remembrance of his wife and child, but he never wept like how he’d just wept in the presence of Soak. Deep in his breast he burned for blood, for battle, for sex, and his clashing hormones were tearing his mind apart. Soon he’d be totally under their control. This was just how it began the first time he’d experienced pon farr.

The ceiling seemed to move in circles overhead, twisting like snakes, coiling over one another without end. Ashamed of himself, he shut his eyes. He couldn’t believe the state he was in. He’d been so deep in his fake life that he’d forgotten the inevitable. He’d lost sight of his only goal - to die by restraining himself from pon farr. And now he was at the mercy of a criminal. How shameful. In a moment of weakness, he’d put himself in Saok’s hands and now all he could feel were Saok’s fingers carding through his hair and the warmth of his lap. This was not how he wanted things to end. This was not what he had hoped would happen. He cursed himself. He had drawn out a plan years ago for this time, but he was too far gone now – he was too swamped with instinct an emotion to execute it.

He was helpless. He had failed. How stupid could he be to disgrace himself like this in the presence of a stranger? His body heaved for solitude. He swung his legs over the side of the couch and leaned over them, elbows on his knees. Saok’s hands slipped away from his body.   

            “Sari.” Saok’s voice rumbled from deep in his broad chest. “You’re very ill. Please stay.”

            “No.” Getting to his feet, Sari staggered a step forward. “I want to die alone.” He forced himself to take one more step, then another. Strong hands grabbed him as his knees turned to jelly and he almost collapsed to the floor. He fought against them. “Leave me be,” he said. “Soak, I am at your mercy. I beg you to heed my last wishes!”

            Saok swore. “I will not watch a perfectly healthy young man kill himself! This death wish of yours – it’s childish! We’ve all done things we regret! We’ve all made mistakes!” He roughly picked up Sari and carried him to the bed. “You can’t just… _die!”_

            Sari shut his eyes wearily as his head was placed on a pillow. “I cannot listen to your arguments any longer. I haven’t the capacity. Take me to my quarters and leave me there. Please.”

“No! If you ever got out of that thick skull of yours to meet the people around you, you could’ve asked any one of them about life! They’ve hurt people. They’ve been the victim of circumstance once in their lives. You’re not the only one who wants to die, Sari!” Saok snapped. “Grow up!”

“What do you want me to do?” Sari asked quietly.

“I ask you to trust me.” Sinking onto the bed beside him, Saok placed a hand on Sari’s chest. “Trust my feelings for you.”

Opening his eyes, Sari looked at him incredulously. “What feelings could you have for a man you just met?”

Saok studied Sari’s face. “Feelings of brotherhood.”

Sari shut his eyes again. “You’re not giving me a choice in my fate, are you?”

“I am.” Saok leaned over him, his beard tickling Sari’s face as he kissed his cheek tenderly. He stroked Sari’s wild hair.

Sari tensed up defensively at the sudden intimacy. It was more difficult for him to contain his reactions now, so he blushed like a school girl, blinking up at Saok through dark lashes. The tall Vulcan was a massive presence. His body was sinewy and slender, always elegant in motion. His touch was purposeful. Sari’s blood burned for that body, for that touch, and he could almost feel how comforting it would be to lay against his chest in the dark and make love to him. Saok’s great sweeping brow, his thick dark hair, his stern face, thick beard, and intelligent eyes… Sari couldn’t look away. “I don’t understand how,” he muttered.

Saok’s eyes drank him up. “You can either finally mate with a man, therefore transforming into who you truly are, or you can die here on my bed in the presence of a Vulcan brother. Whatever feelings I have for you are irrelevant. Whatever feelings you have for me are irrelevant. Your survival – your evolution – depends on what you choose to do. Follow your instincts, or… perish.” He looked at Sari’s body with sad eyes. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. “It would be such a waste.”

For a long time Sari was silent, watching grief settled over Saok’s shoulders. He brushed his mind telepathically. Saok truly believed Sari’s death would be a horrible tragedy. No matter what had happened in the past, Sari had a real chance to get through this and to recover his sense of self. He could mate with Saok tomorrow regardless of the consequences and survive to see his next pon farr. He could get a boyfriend among the crew and mate more often to practice self-control. He could learn to live with himself. Maybe he could start a family, and make new memories to replace the horrible ones. Sari felt like his eyes had finally been forced open and he saw himself for what he really was. And Saok was right. He was acting like a child.

Lifting a hand, Sari touched Saok’s face and twisted his fingers gently in his dark beard. They trembled. His mind reached out to touch Saok’s with a burst of desire. “Kiss me.” He ordered.

Shock and relief blossomed on Saok’s face as he felt Sari’s mental walls fall away. His mind wrapped around Sari’s vulnerable emotions and he leaned over the younger Vulcan, brushing his fingertips along the sides of his face. A rush of infatuation surged over Sari as their lips touched. The taste of another man, what he’d deprived himself of all his life, flooded his tongue with its tantalizing tang. Their mouths moved together languidly. Sari was so hungry. He took fistfuls of Saok’s shirt and anchored their bodies together, pushing his tongue into Saok’s mouth. Every new flavor sent his blood boiling for more. Saok’s hands ran up and down Sari’s body with newfound freedom but his lips hesitated.

“Sari,” Saok murmured against his mouth. “You’re very weak.” Gently, he disentangled himself from Sari’s grasp. “Let me help you recover. Tomorrow, when you’re well, we can continue this.”

Sari stared at him lustily. “Maybe it’s better if I’m like this when we mate.”

Shaking his head, Saok got up and went to the food replicator. “It’s unhealthy. Besides… I want to see what your true strength is. I find the idea of you being stronger than me very attractive.” He tapped the machine. “Computer. Chicken noodle soup, original recipe. Hot.”

A bowl of steaming soup materialized in the slot. “Water. Ten degrees Celsius.” A glass of water materialized alongside the soup. Carefully, Saok carried both to the bedside and put it on the night table. “What made you change your mind?” He asked curiously, helping Sari sit up.

Sari clung to Saok’s arms with a needy grip, easing himself into a comfortable position. He didn’t take his eyes off Saok. “I’ve felt sorry for myself all my life, for different reasons. I’m tired of feeling sorry all the time.” When Saok touched the glass to his lips, he drained the water in one gulp.

Saok put aside the glass and spooned the soup, holding it up to Sari’s mouth. There was a hand on his thigh as he meticulously fed the young Lieutenant but he seemed unbothered by its slow stroking movements. “You shouldn’t have felt sorry at all. You’re a smart, handsome young man with a lot of potential.”

“I know I shouldn’t have felt that way.” Sari weakly dabbed his mouth with his sleeve between mouthfuls. “But I couldn’t help it. I’m a gay alien half-breed raised on a planet of humans. That’s a lot to cope with.”

“Understandable, but have you ever considered mental illness as a possible cause?”

“Why?”

Saok didn’t flinch as the hand on his thigh shifted clumsily to his waist. He gently fed Sari another spoonful of soup. “Your self-deprecation seems to be conditioned. That’s indicative of depression. Have you ever been to see the ship’s counselor?”

Sari waved his free hand. “I’m not important enough to need the counselor. He has other duties to attend to.”

“No problem is too petty.” Saok smiled as the hand made its way to his chest. He glanced from the hand to Sari, who was watching his reaction carefully. “Having fun?”

Sari allowed his palm to rest in the center of Saok’s breast. “I’ve never touched a man before.” He sighed, motioning for Saok to stop feeding him. “Mental illness never occurred to me. I’m otherwise quite healthy.”

Saok put aside the bowl, covering Sari’s hand over his heart. “You wanted to kill yourself. That would have been a suicide attempt, Sari. And I’m assuming you’ve been planning this since your first pon farr failure?”

Sari met his eyes. “That would be correct.”

Saok paled and nodded wordlessly. Taking Sari’s other hand, he put it on his adjacent breast, holding both in place. “You might be very ill, Sari.”

“Truly?”

“Truly. Don’t they teach you this?”

“Sure they do,” Sari said absently. “About other people.”

Shifting to sit shoulder-to-shoulder with his patient, Saok lifted an arm and put it around his shoulders. He hugged him close. “After tomorrow, will you recover? Really recover?”

Sari melted into him. “That all depends on how tomorrow goes.”

“You won’t hurt me,” Sari insisted, stroking Sari’s hair.

“That… also depends,” Sari whispered, “on whether you fully comprehend the extent of my strength… and what it will mean once we’ve mated.” He almost regretted voicing such things out loud. This man was not his lover.

“It will mean a great deal to me when we mate,” Saok responded.

Sari reached for his hand, tangling their fingers tightly, and closed his eyes. The soup sat warm in his belly. The sound of Saok’s breathing calmed his tangled emotions, and the touch of his body evoked Sari’s age-old sexual needs. He let his head rest against Saok’s shoulder and imagined those big hands holding him down in bed, their bodies rocking together. Saok touched his thoughts with mutual anticipation. They sat sensuously communicating in this way until a voice penetrated the room.

 _“Lieutenant Sari,”_ Captain Rosemary said through the com link.

Sari tapped his breast insignia. “Sari here, captain.”

_“It’s almost time – are you sure you don’t need to be present on Vulcan?”_

“I’ve informed them not to disturb me during my mission. Besides, Earth is my home. I’ll be just fine right here.”

 _“I know how important this time is to Vulcans. How do you feel? Have you worked out a plan for tomorrow?”_ Her thinly-veiled concern touched Sari’s heart.

 “Everything is under control, sir. Thank you sincerely for your concern, but I’m well looked after and ready for whatever tomorrow brings.” Sari rested his hand on Saok’s thigh and felt the tickle of his beard as Saok kissed his temple.

_“I hope so, Lieutenant. I’ve half a mind to promote you after seeing your performance these past few days, and it would do this ship harm to be without such an outstanding officer.” She paused. “Take care of yourself tomorrow. That’s an order, Sari. Rosemary out.”_

Sari’s lips parted in shock as his com link ended. Did she just offer him a promotion?

“See?” Saok gloated. “I told you that you’re more valuable than you think. Even your captain knows it.”

“Apparently so,” Sari said quietly, but inside he was weeping tears of joy. Praise of this nature was so foreign to him. He’d struggled all his life, and as soon as he’d found his niche in life he’d been about to throw it all away on a childish decision to kill himself. He couldn’t believe himself. He shed a few tears in the silence that followed, but alongside him Saok said nothing; he only pushed the tears off his cheeks and settled in for a long wait.


	10. Ready?

The night before his pon farr brought Sari tremors. He was becoming physically agitated and aggressive, pacing the room ceaselessly. His worry seemed to have morphed into anxiety which his weakened state did not affect. His eyes darted around the room, his nails scratching at his body as if everything was itchy, or as if something longed to burst forth from his flesh. Sari snarled angrily whenever Saok prodded him for information no matter what it was. His temper had enveloped the better part of his personality. As he moved about, baring his teeth, shaking his ears, his eyes stayed fixated on Saok; his time was coming, and Saok was not his lover now but prey he would soon avail himself of.

 Saok was worried for Sari’s well-being, but he knew that he was only reverting to his natural self and possibly fighting it quite hard as he did so. When he was finally ready to mate Saok would induce this state in himself by releasing his mind barriers, and then they would be a match to behold. Saok was tense just thinking about it.

At present, Sari sat down and ordered enough food for four men from the replicator, consuming it with ravenous hunger in under thirty minutes. Saok found himself oddly turned on by this behavior. It was masculinity at its most ferocious, most basic form. His past pon farr’s had all been with humans except for one, and that one time trumped all others. Sari was worried for no reason. Once it happened, he would never look at pon farr the same way again.

Saok checked the time. 0400 hours – not long now. He felt his body responding to Sari’s behavior. If he didn’t start inducing himself now, he’d lose control of his hormones like Sari had, and then they’d be at each other’s throats all day. It was uncommon for mates to spend so much time together beforehand so it was a rare occurrence, but only a Vulcan of 100 could avoid this kind of accident by a lifetime of experience. Any younger Vulcans – like Saok – were too drawn in by the prospect of mating to resist the inducement. A genetic code was imbedded in their DNA that caused this inducement, because it was vital for Vulcans to produce offspring every seven years for the survival of their species. Fortunately, Saok and Sari were both males, and they could mate without inhibitions of creating a child.

Calmly, Saok folded his legs into a pretzel on the end of his bed and closed his eyes for meditation. The sounds of Sari pacing the room faded away. There was no ship, there was no room, and there was no bed. He was floating in a dim emptiness. All was calm. Reaching into his mind, he projected himself into the hallways of his consciousness. The floors were white and the walls were marbled, each corner decorated with a vase of fresh lilacs. His astro-self calmly chose the correct corridor. Here it was very dark. Every seven years he made the same journey, though, so he did not need light to know where to go. Suddenly he stood before five red doors. They were all labeled in Vulcan but one door called out to him the most. It was shaking in its frame. Already, it was ready to be opened.

Saok focused his strength. He grasped the doorknob in his hand and gently turned it. The door bucked wildly. Pushing with all the might of his will, he held the door in place as a constant tremendous force like the North wind came pouring out of the room beyond, slowly easing the door open against his will.

Saok held steady. Slowly, the inducement began. He released his conscious self to the underlying subconscious within which lay his desires, needs, and layers of instinctive behavior. Although it was still Saok himself, he stepped back and allowed his subconscious to take the reins on his physical body. In his mind, he strained to open the door slowly, gathering control over the process as it reached completion. His astro-self was shuddering under the pressure. He focused on nothing else besides completing this last task before his own pon farr activated. His other worries falling away. He allowed the door to open all the way at last, and finally the inducement was complete.  

Saok opened his eyes and they were the eyes of an animal and not a man. At once, they darted to the only other creature in the room. Sari felt his change in attitude – telepathically and physically – and became suddenly very quiet. His interest was piqued. Still, he didn’t understand this change just yet. He kept his distance and glided cautiously against the opposite wall just in case he was being threatened. The bed was noiseless as Saok got to his feet, rising to his full height. Sari’s eyes widened. This was no longer the docile Vulcan who had previously babysat him – this was an older male of his own species at the peak of his sexual prime, and larger than Sari in stature by far. It made Sari bristle. His interests became much more complex than contemplating his prey; his time was approaching rapidly.

Soak did not move. Instead of approaching, he bared his teeth and snarled at Sari, goading him to come forward. He was clearly the dominant presence in this pon farr but the knowledge Saok still held about Sari’s superior strength and ferocity occupied his foremost thoughts. He would not risk his life by letting down his guard.

The scent of hormones and the verbal challenge caused Sari’s aggression to bubble to the surface. He was ready. Sari gave a growl and leapt at Saok, knocking him back onto the bed and pinning him in one fluid motion. Beneath him, Saok was shocked. Sari was immensely strong. He struggled to throw him off but could not. They wrestled for a minute, young overpowering old, until a snarl from Sari froze Saok in place. He kept totally still as Sari took stock of him; dipping his head, Sari sniffed around his ears and his throat, confirming him as the source of the hormones. Sari shuddered when it was confirmed.

            They locked eyes. Saok, still present in his own mind, pushed himself to brush noses with Sari. His lips ghosted along his jawline to initiate his side of the consent to mate. Sari was very still as he watched Saok mimic his hormone check; his compliance acted as consent to Saok’s advances, but he was growing impatient with the formalities. He’d been peaking for at least two hours now and his impulses were growing in strength. When Saok began biting at his neck, Sari trapped Saok’s head against the mattress with a hand to his throat and kissed him, hard, pushing his tongue into Saok’s mouth. His hands moved to the other male’s robes. The room was filled with the sounds of ripping cloth as he pried off Saok’s clothing to reveal the hot, hairy body beneath. Saok did the same to him, and they rolled over one another in an attempt to render the other nude. Soon they lay in a bed of shredded uniform bits.

            Both of them had minor scratches already. Saok struggled to hold back from taking Sari immediately, because Sari was losing his initial composure and the longer he waited, the more aggressive he would yet, but he knew Sari was not ready. Sari’s movements were jerky, rushed, and as he locked lips with Saok his unflawed youthful body was heaving against him. Saok was the ideal male mate for a youth and he wanted him feverishly.

Sari clambered to be the one on top but Saok managed to hold him down on the bed, overpowering him in his haste. Sari growled low in his throat. Saok was internally relieved; Sari had agreed to allow Saok dominance. The younger male tangled himself around Saok in a flurry of love bites and sharp nails, his stiff member rubbing up against him, and Saok gave a guttural chastising sound. It did no good. Flush with adrenaline and desire, Sari was straining his body in anticipation. There was no reasoning with him. Saok knew the only thing that would stop this frenzy was satisfaction.  

            Saok used his hands to map out Sari’s most tender areas. He prodded each, showing him what would happen if he overstepped his boundaries, but Sari ignored him. Sari was too preoccupied with every inch of his new mate’s body. That was fine. Later, when Sari got out of hand, he’d feel the consequences and pay attention. Next, Saok probed Sari’s hole with his finger, which was difficult to do when he was wiggling around so much. But as soon as he penetrated him Sari became even worse. The touch of pleasure was a tease. Saok gasped as Sari’s teeth sank into his throat, his grip crushingly tight on Saok’s arms as he bucked his hips, a steady growl emanating from his chest. He was insanely strong. His fingertips left welts wherever he touched Saok, and he was leaving several painful marks on Saok’s throat the deeper Saok explored. He forced Saok’s finger very far inside of himself. Even though it was also causing him pain, he continued to thrash about, desperate for pleasure.

            Sari had to learn control. Targeting one of his vulnerable areas, Saok put the younger male in more pain. It did nothing. Sari sank in his teeth again. Saok pushed harder, did more damage, and finally Sari yelped and let go of Saok. He lay shocked beneath him. His growling turned into whimpering. Those big dark eyes of his softened as Saok snapped at him to be still, but he stayed still long enough for Soak to work him open with two fingers. Sari fought hard to obey. He was breathing rapidly and his fingers ripped the sheets where he held them instead of holding onto the flesh of his lover, hungry for real intercourse.

            Saok gave Sari a tender kiss as a reward. This time, when Sari latched on to Saok, he carefully locked his arms around his neck without exerting too much force. His lips were dripping with lust as they kissed. Saok was impressed. He hadn’t expected this kind of self-control so early on. He must’ve made quite the impression on Sari’s subconscious with his scolding. Since Sari had a preference for men, maybe he was coded to respond only to male orders in this state. It was a curious hypothesis. _Good boy_ , Saok said mentally, but in response all he got from Sari’s mind were a clutter of puppy-like telepathic waves. Saok tried again. _Lay down,_ he said. He waited for a response with bated breath. Sari seemed to ignore him, focusing instead on the physical attention Sari was paying him. He could understand, he just chose not to listen. Saok smirked. Cheeky kid.

            The air between them changed as Saok pulled out his fingers and shifted into position. Electricity sparked in their eyes. Sari was jittering all over, shaking from head to toe, and Saok felt sorry for him. He knew the real Sari was somewhere inside this rabid boy terrified of having sex with a man for the first time. There was nothing he could do but treat him as well as he knew how. It was perilous but delicious to mate with other Vulcan males – often times, a dominant male could not be agreed on. In that case the entire pon farr consisted on the mates raping one another in a desperate attempt to be dominating until both had satisfied themselves. But when one of them yielded to the other, a luxurious harmony was reached.

Saok put one hand on Sari’s hip and the other on the back of his neck, kissing his throat and his pointed ears until the shaking ceased. Then Saok started to slowly penetrate him. The tip was the hardest part because of the tension of Sari’s entire body, but once it was in, Sari’s insides flexed and relaxed around him. He was coasting on the first wave of pleasure. Saok’s hips rocked gently back and forth; even though there was little lubrication, Sari didn’t seem to mind. He curled around Saok with his head thrown back and whines of lust tumbled from his lips. As Saok sank in more deeply those whines crested into moans, Sari’s stillness coming to an end; he struggled to move his body to Saok’s rhythmic thrusts.

It was Saok’s turn to feed on Sari’s exposed throat. He sucked dark marks along his tan flesh, giving only enough pressure to tease Sari into bursts of hard hip motions that lasted less than a few seconds. Sari was tight and exquisite around him. Their bodies moved like machine cogs, fluidly responding to one another at every twitch, every moan, and the more they enjoyed themselves the less docile Sari became. Saok gasped as Sari’s insides clenched him tightly. He began to bite Saok’s tongue and mercilessly rake his nails along his back. Saok snapped at him, but still Sari bucked his hips and tore at him hungrily. The process of inflicting damage on his mate seemed to bring Sari closer to pleasure, and seeing his floozy behavior was bringing Saok closer to pleasure himself, so he tolerated this low level of sexual violence for both of them.

As an additional factor, Sari’s slack sex face was far too enticing for Saok not to indulge the young Vulcan’s needs. Sari was so wrapped up in the pounding pleasure in his body that he was focused only on bodily motions that furthered his enjoyment of the process. Saok couldn’t stop kissing his loose lips, and teasing his tongue out of his mouth to suck on.

Soon Sari began to put much more force into everything he did, and Saok knew this was the part about mating with him that would be the most difficult. He would become uncontrollable around the time of his climax and then upon reaching it, his strength would reach its peak. He could quite easily rip a man in half when that time arrived. Saok had prepared for this, however, and he reached up behind Sari and quickly bound his hands with a metal part of the table he’d extracted last night. It had been straight to begin with but now it was curled like a pair of handcuffs.

Sari was stretched out, almost helpless and gleaming with sweat, but it only served to make him lustier. He rolled his entire body into his thrusting hips. Saok rose up on his arms and loomed over Sari as he responded, releasing his personal control with wild and powerful thrusts of his own. He pushed in deeper, hitting corners of his body nothing had ever touched before, and Saok could feel Sari clenching him. He was close. Very close. Saok shut his eyes and focused on how good it felt to finally mate without worrying about being bitten or clawed, and he couldn’t help but imagine this body belonging to him. It could be like this always.

Sari bucked wildly beneath him, desperate to scratch that sexual itch, and Saok struggled to hold him back. The young Vulcan was beginning to lose sync with him in his rush to finish. And Saok knew why. It was time. Writhing, Sari let out a long stream of throaty moans that ended abruptly, and his mouth stood open in a silent cry as every muscle in his body tensed up at the approach of climax. Suddenly he let out an ear-shattering moan. Sari’s body convulsed with orgasm and Saok funneled all his remaining energy into pounding him through it. His own climax rushed to its peak as he witnessed Sari’s body opening up to him, sucking him in with every ounce of inner strength he had, being simultaneously helpless to this ecstasy and yet utterly destructive to everything around him because of it.

Saok saw Sari’s apex strength bend the metal handcuffs in the throes of his orgasm and his body pushed itself to the limit, immediately shooting his seed deep inside his young mate. His world exploded with pleasure that gripped his body like a vice. He, too, became a slave to the trickle of orgasm as his thick member throbbed deep within Sari’s convulsing insides, sending waves and waves of ecstasy emanating from his pelvis that zapped along his nerves like sparks and spread to every cell in his body.

He was paralyzed with pleasure. Slowly, slowly it faded, leaving his body in a steady stream, slow and steady, allowing all his muscles to unbunch themselves and stretch, slowly, gently, so that none of them cramped and ruined his sexual satisfaction. He lay on top of his mate. They both went slack with exhaustion. And tentatively, Saok withdrew from Sari’s body, and then it was done.


	11. Time

The oppressing silence threw off Lieutenant Sari as he regained his senses. He’d expected to be in sick bay or under arrest after his most recent pon farr, but instead he found himself lying under the covers in bed, fully nude, in Saok’s quarters. His head felt so heavy and his whole body ached from head to toe. He groaned when he tried to move and every one of his molecules screamed at him. It had been seven years – he’d almost forgotten the strain that pon farr puts on the body. He was lucky to be alive. Easing himself into a sitting position, he leaned back against the wall after the short exertion left him wearied, his hand covering his heart. Everything else was normal. There was no blood. There was no shredded clothing. But even more ominous… there was no Saok. His heart lodged in his throat.

A click made him jump three feet in the air. He whirled to see Saok stepping out of the bathroom with wet hair, clothed in nothing but a towel. Sari paled as he saw the state of him. He looked like he’d wrestled a timber wolf. His throat, back, and sides were covered in claw marks and bite marks – alongside them, dark bruises blossomed. He’d done that to him. But… he was alive.

Sari studied him intently as Saok smiled and came to the bed. He held out his arms and Saok sat with him, wrapping him in a tight embrace. Sari crushed him close. “You’re ok,” he whispered. “Are you… ok? What did I do?”

“Yes, I’m ok. You’re ok, too – you did just what you were supposed to.” Saok stroked his hair. “What do you remember?”

“Nothing. I was… I remember…” Sari drew back and stared at the hickies dotting Saok’s neck. “Oh.”

Saok grinned. “You were a lot more docile than I expected. Of course, you had your moments.”

“I’m sorry - I’m really sorry,” Sari pleaded. “I didn’t want to…”

“Of course you didn’t want to hurt me! Relax!” Saok rubbed Sari’s arm. “You had a great time yesterday. I think around the third time you gave up scratching me entirely.”

“Third time?!” Sari turned brick red.

“You were really incorrigible,” Saok admitted.

Sari, a hand over his mouth, stared at his lap. “How many…?”

“Times? Four, or rather five and a half.”

_“What!”_

Saok leaned in and kissed his cheek, sending ripples of shivering up and down his spine. “You did great, kid. Relax. You’ve been sleeping for almost twelve hours without eating, so what do you want for breakfast?” He got up, but a hand was latched onto his wrist. He blinked down at Sari’s arm restraining him, then at his pale expression. “Sari, what’s the matter?”

“You… I…” Sari’s lips parted. “Thank you, Saok.”

“Come on, kid…”

Sari tightened his grip. He tugged him weakly and Saok sat back down. “I mean it. Without you, I would be dead right now – and instead I feel… better. So much better.” Tears crept into his voice. “Thank you so much.”

Saok’s glowing green eyes looked deep into Sari’s, his pinched brow and thin pressed lips showing his true constraint, and Sari lost himself in the tangle of his emotions as they spilled from his mind. He was shocked. Sari could never in all his life have imagined eliciting those intense feelings from someone. There was desire at its most pure and innocent form, exquisite passion, admiration and respect and terror… and love. Threads of their consciousness mingled, sharing pathways. Sari allowed his feelings to come out of the dark box he’d kept them in and the cocktail of their emotions sent fireworks sparking in his heart. A flood of his suppressed self surged forward into Saok’s mind. The older Vulcan’s face showed every trace of his surprise. He touched Sari’s emotions with delicate brushes, afraid to lose them, and as he fully realized what he was feeling he experienced their extremity. Truly, it was dazzling. Sari put out his hands and Saok leaned forward until they touched his bare chest. Sari felt big palms cup his face. He shut his eyes, breathless, and when their lips touched a deep golden bond strung between them let out a sound as loud and clear as the Liberty Bell.

When they drew apart Sari thought, _I will never feel this way again. Never._ And everything began to crumble around him. He threw up his mental shields to hastily sever their connection and the pain of his broken heart flooded his consciousness, crushing him.  

Strong hands grabbed him, shaking him roughly. “Sari,” Saok cried. As the younger Vulcan began to weep, Saok paled.

“I waited all my life…” Sari managed. He covered his face with his hands. “I waited all my life to meet someone like you. I had to almost kill myself - to lose myself in my own grief - before I let you… And now you’ll leave. Because of the things you’ve done, you’ll leave and never come back.”  

“I’m sorry.” Saok watched him helplessly. “I know I should regret the things I’ve done – and some of them, I do. I regret losing my crew, losing sight of the future, always focusing on conflict and wars… but if I hadn’t made so many mistakes in my life, I would have never have even met you, Sari.” He touched the hands covering Sari’s face. “I would have never been able to experience this kind of love with you.”

Sari withdrew from him. “I can’t believe I let this happen…”

“To be fair, I sort of made you,” Saok admitted.

“Still, I shouldn’t have let things get this far. I knew it was going to end this way!”

“Sari…” Saok sighed. “I wish I could change everything and be with you. I’d do it in a heartbeat if I could – but I have to answer for what I’ve done.”

“I know.” Sari sniffed and wiped his face, trying to compose himself. “On top of that, I’ll probably get a court martial for what we did yesterday if the captain ever finds out.”

“Oh, uh…”

“Saok – what happened?”

Guiltily, Saok swallowed. “Well, afterwards, we were both pretty mangled… and when I woke up, the guard outside had come to check in. He… found us.”

Sari turned pale as paper. _“No.”_

“There was no bad damage, but the medical team patched up the both of us before you woke up.” Saok rubbed his neck. “I’m really sorry. They only let you stay because I told them you could wake at any moment and tear them to pieces.”

“You _WHAT?!”_

“Sorry! I panicked!”

“Son of a Tartarian snorkel worm,” Sari swore. “Rosemary will have my head! My career is _over!”_

The door chime sounded. Sari clutched his chest, terrified, and Saok looked up in alarm.

“Come?” Saok called, and a guard appeared at the door.

It was a young man with a curl of red hair. “What is the status of…?” The young man blinked as he saw them both, mostly naked, in bed. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he gulped. “What is the status of Lieutenant Sari?”

Saok glanced him up and down nervously. “Oh, he’s, uh, fine. Just really weak.”

The guard nodded, turning his eyes on Sari. “The captain requests your report, sir.”

“Thank you, officer,” Sari trembled.

With a nod the young man bowed out and the door closed behind him. Saok held out Sari’s com insignia and Sari snatched it from him angrily, tapping it. “Lieutenant Sari to Captain Rosemary.” His voice was steady but disgrace was written all over his face.

 _“Lieutenant, report,”_ Rosemary quipped. _“What is your status?”_

“Weak, but uninjured.”

_“Good. How was the ceremony? Anything to be worried about?”_

Sari was stunned. “N-No, sir. The ceremony was a success. No problems, sir.”

_“Glad to hear it, Lieutenant. I want you to report to sickbay as soon as you can for a check-up just in case. We arrive at the nearest Starbase in 48 hours, and you have a 24 hour rest period before I expect you to return to work. Is that understood?”_

“Sir,” Sari blurted. “Am I not to be punished, sir?”

_“Let’s talk about that when you’re well again. Rosemary out.”_

Saok took the com out of Sari’s hands when it went dead. “You really need to eat now, kiddo.” He got up and ordered a breakfast special from the replicator, spreading the food evenly on the table. Behind him, Sari sat immobile on the bed. Saok ran his fingers through his wet hair and made a thoughtful noise. “Are you allergic to anything?”

“Huh?” Sari blurted.

“Allergies.”

“Oh, uh… peanut butter. Can I… have a spare uniform from the drawer?”

Saok eyed him. “You don’t want to eat breakfast naked?”

“I certainly do not.”

“Pity.” Saok tossed him a uniform. He took off his towel and hung it on the drier in the bathroom. He returned in the nude, sitting down on one end of the table.

Sari clumsily pulled the uniform on. “Please put something on.”

“Why?” Saok popped a pancake into his mouth. “You seemed to like seeing me naked yesterday.”

“It’s indecent to eat naked,” Sari muttered, tugging at his collar as he came to the table slowly. But he did look quite thoroughly at Soak as he placidly continued to eat. The smell of food made Sari’s mouth water. His legs felt like cheese sticks when he walked and, eyeing the chair, he made a face that made Saok crack up.

“A little sore, princess?” Saok wheezed.

“Shut up!” Sari winced as he sat. “Five times?”

“Five and a half,” Saok corrected, pushing a plate of eggs over to him. “You were hungry for something else. I just didn’t have the heart to stop you.”

“Humiliating!” Sari hissed. He stabbed the eggs with a fork and ate angrily.

“On the contrary,” Saok grinned. “I’ve got more respect for you now than I ever had.” Sari punched his arm, leaving a red welt, and Saok pouted quietly through the rest of breakfast.


	12. Happy Endings are for Suckers

Sometimes, Lieutenant Sari had moments during his work that really made him question his life choices. Generally he was a quick study. He liked to learn new things, to study old things, and to expand his mind to the knowledge of the universe. But he didn’t get much action. His job was primarily research for future encounters. So, he spent his time reviewing reports from other ships and their own about new species and committing their rituals and customs to heart, sitting alone in his room or pouring over some dusty books on the holodeck, simulating his mother’s house or the tree house he grew up around. He liked simple food, but just about anything would do. He didn’t have any favorite music. He didn’t have any favorite things at all. But sometimes he’d get a glitch in the computer or a red alert on board the _Trident_ , and he’d be jostled back into the present, forced to face his life and how little he’d done with it thus far.

When the red alert sounded, Sari had no one to worry about. He worried about the crew in general and normally thought first about the captain and her safety, but no matter how he went about his emergency procedures, in his own mind he was almost always the foremost worry. He knew it was selfish but he knew why he did it, and that justified his continued anti-social behavior. So, it continued. On and on. Empty rooms. An empty bed. An empty heart. And when his work became impossible to work on – when everything shut down or shut off, locked out of his hands – he found himself numbed with shock. Because… what else did he have if not his work? Sari had no children, no wife, no lover – and no friends besides his pet goldfish. For a sociology specialist, he had almost none of the intimate connections which defined his work, and that terrified him.

 Those moments shook his very being. His fear was so great, so confounding, that despite any thoughts that emerged focused towards remedying his eternal loneliness ultimately he still chose to put his head down and return to his ways. He couldn’t help it. He’d ignored his trauma for so long that it had managed to disable him emotionally. All he had to his name was Captain Rosemary’s admiration and respect – for an emotionally distraught young man, that wasn’t much to live on.

Sari sat at his desk in his uniform. He was recovered, showered, and as he felt the familiar curve of his chair beneath him and the touch of the computer at his fingertips, it reminded him of the reality of his life. It became a moment outside his work – and not a result of losing it – that made him put things into perspective. For the first time in a long time his heart was working at full capacity. It was experiencing a range of feelings recent events had forced him to feel despite his initial cold approach to the criminal and smuggler Saok. His clever advances and charming empathy had completely consumed Sari’s will in a matter of days, rendering him helpless to his tempting offer of the mating ritual, and the inevitable lovesick puppy routine that followed. Saok had wiggled his way through the cracks in Sari’s armor and infected him with what he had always feared above all, including loneliness. Love.

Turning in his chair, Sari looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t recognize the man he saw looking back at him. The hair was the same; coarse, wild, furiously tangled. The narrow cut of his jaw was the same. He had the same chin, the same Vulcan brow and cold, dark eyes… Sari stiffened. It was him, but something had changed. He looked intently at the man he saw as if an intimidating stare would bring forth the truth. He slowly lifted a hand to touch his face. Something new was there, something he’d been unable to bring to the table on his own. It was flickering, vibrant, and youthful – it smoothed the wrinkles between his brows. It pushed color into his cheeks. It seemed to even change the direction his hair leaned in a wave around his pointed ears, which was odd since he’d brushed it the other way a thousand times this morning.  

Sari licked his thumb and wiped off the concealer on a patch of his throat to reveal a thick dark bruise with patches of yellow in the center. It was healing itself slowly. He hadn’t allowed the doctor to fix them because they were a mark of both his pain and his pleasure, and every morning he saw them and he remembered.

They had dropped Saok off at a _Starbase_ almost a week ago. His trial was today at 1400 hours. The Ferengi involved in the destruction of his ship had run into the _Enterprise_ on their way back to the empire and in their anger, they had engaged the galaxy-class cruiser in battle and lost. Everyone aboard that ship had perished. In their haste, no transmissions had been sent, therefore all that remained of the encounter were in Starfleet record - sent by Rosemary herself. So, a war had been avoided this time. Narrowly.

But the captain wasn’t done yet. Sari himself had spent the past week on a double shift to relieve the head science officer as punishment for allowing the prisoner to coerce him into sexual relations – Captain Rosemary knew that without experiencing pon farr that he would have died, so she had made his punishment lenient. He also confessed to her during the interview on the matter that he had been planning a suicide attempt for seven years which Saok saved him from out of the goodness of his heart. Admitting his pain was the most difficult thing he’d ever done. And it landed him in daily therapy sessions with the old human counselor during his double shift week, put a mark of emotional instability on his Starfleet record _, and_ gifted him with the overwhelming shock and disgust of his commanding officer. Captain Rosemary hadn’t so much as sent him a verbal order since that meeting. Sari was finally unburdened… and humiliated.

He had his therapy appointment in a few minutes. He got up swiftly and left his quarters without another thought about what had changed. In the hallways, he received new glances from his crewmates; some weren’t very pleasant, understandably, but others were teasing. Knowing. He resented their smugness but no one could blame them. After all, they finally had tangible proof that their sourest crewmember was just a big softie like the rest of them.

Sari touched the com panel outside the counselor’s door. It slid open immediately. He was careful to take slow, meaningful strides into the room, lifting his eyes to the counselor as he crossed the threshold. “Counselor,” he greeted him. Sitting in a stocky green armchair was a deeply tanned man, maybe sixty years of age, with thick gray hair combed out of his face and big spectacles perched on his Native-American nose. He grinned with a mouth of crooked teeth, yellow from smoking synthetic tobacco all his life.

“Sari,” the Counselor said. His voice was tinged with wonders. “How the hell are you?”

“Quite fine. Thank you.” They shook hands in a friendly manner. Taking his normal seat, Sari relaxed back into the pink material of the Counselor’s couch.

“Has something happened? Have you heard about Saok’s trial yet?”

“No, I have not. Why do you ask?”

The old man rolled a toothpick around in his mouth. His narrow dark eyes looked Sari up and down, searching for something he could point out. Eventually he gave up. “You’re glowing like a neon sign, kid. Are you sure nothing’s up?”

“I’m sure, Counselor,” Sari answered patiently. “Although, I’ve never really felt like this before. Is it always this way when… when you’re in love?”

“No. Honestly? It’s different every time.” The Counselor smiled.


End file.
